Tuesday, January 17, 2012

You Cry Harder! North Korean Grief Reeducation

SACSTW reporters have the latest scoop on our zany buddies from the east, North Korea.  North Koreans just aren't sad enough!  The North Koreans are such a happy-go-lucky group of people it is easy to imagine that they would have difficulty being somber.  I mean they lead such easy lives of leisure and plenty. Fortunately, their latest and greatest Dear Leader has implemented a new system to assist them with proper levels of grieving. 

Lachrymosity Level Enforcement Department
After numerous "criticism" sessions, it was decided that the fun-loving North Korean people really didn't know how to properly grieve.  Thus, many of them received personal invitations to grieving reeducation camps.  I mean look at these pictures... These people make jocularity a national pastime.

Kim Jong Il official concubines
(There wasn't this much sobbing over the deaths of JFK, MLK, Elvis, and Princess Diana combined!)

Grieving is a family activity in North Korea

After much deliberation, a new system has been implemented:  The national Lachrymosity Level system of national mourning.  To show the world that they are hip to new technology, the Lachrymosity Level system will use a series of emoticons to inform North Korean citizens of their proper level of misery.  Below is the Lachrymosity Level (LL) matrix:

Lachrymosity Level
National Conditions
Expected Behavior
Kim Jong Un celebrates a birthday, is cast as Odd Job in the “Goldfinger” remake, or has a successful bowel movement.
Uncontrollable joyous weeping, writhing on the ground, and rending of clothing.
Kim Jong Un is not mistaken as a beluga whale by Japanese trawlers while swimming.
Public expressions of mirth are expressly prohibited.  Wistful smiles are allowed if meditating on the wonders of the Dear Leader.
Default national Lachrymosity Level
Feet must be shuffled and eyes must be downcast.  Muffled sobbing is encouraged.
Kim Jong Un has a hangnail, dies, or Obama loses the 2012 election.
Uncontrollable screaming, wailing, and rending of clothing.  Every third citizen must commit seppuku.

Invitees of the grieving reeducation camps will receive LL emoticon flash-cards along with their copies of "North Korean Golf for Dummies - How to Score 38 under in your first round ever!" by Kim Jung Il.  All other citizens will receive their LL emoticon flash-cards with their monthly bowls of gruel ration cards.  On notification of the the nation's LL condition, all citizens are required to pin the appropriate LL flash-card to their outer-clothing.

Lachrymosity Level Notification System
Dear Leader Obama is reported to be considering a similar system for media reporting of his daily poll numbers.  Media outlets in the People's Republic of San Francisco have volunteered to be the initial test market.  

SACSTW reporters will keep you updated on the latest situations in both North Korea and San Francisco.

*Editor's note:  The idea for today's post was brought to you by SACSTW creative consultant and crew member emeritus Brian Holyfield - @Holyfield67

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