I don’t know why I’m writing you. This seems silly. The doctors are totally over-reacting to my little ‘episode’. I mean everybody needs to blow off steam once in a while right? Running naked though the West Wing screaming, “Spiders! Spiders are eating my brain!” was just my way of blowing off steam. And I really wasn’t going to impale Joe Biden on that fireplace poker. I was just messing with him. Nobody can take a joke around here.
So I guess writing you is supposed to be a more ‘reasonable’ way to deal with my frustrations. They told me to write a letter to my biggest hero and most influential person in my life. You were my first and only choice. So Karl, help me out here. Everyone’s against me. Moochelle (she almost caught me calling her that) has been on a spending spree that would make Paris Hilton jealous, Reggie abandoned me, the republicans are catching on to my tricks, and I think my new Mao Zedong tat is infected. I can’t put any weight on my left cheek at all. Everyone around me is bummed too. Even my best buddy, Mr. Teleprompter, is off his game. Last week in my state of the union address, he just kept repeating the same exact lines from his… I mean my old speeches. And the worst thing… no one in my entire administration can think of a single new euphemism for taxes. We’ve used them all up. Darn that vast right-wing conspiracy for trying to wake the chumps… I mean people, up.
You know what Karl? I think the doctors were right. I do feel better! I’m sure it has nothing to do with that shot they gave me about 20 minutes ago. They told me it was just a B12 booster for energy. Oh well, I better go. Stanley, my pet unicorn, just came into my bedroom. It’s time for our ride on the South Lawn.
I’ll write you again soon!
*Editor's note: Another great idea brought to you by SACSTW creative consultant Brian Holyfield - @Holyfield67