Monday, August 17, 2015

Monday Musings With The Crew

  • Over the weekend in Kansas City, Mayor Sly James held an event called "Rock the Block".  The mayor's office organizes Rock the Block to provide urban yoots "a safe
    KC Mayor Sly James
    place to hang out and celebrate the end of summer". The event had to end prematurely due to the large number of fights breaking out among said yoots. By the time the hanging out and celebrating was over, the KC Police Department had maced and arrested multiple yoots. Nothing marks the end of summer quite like the tang of Mace hanging in the air.  Probably should have just stuck to Midnight Basketball

  •  Recently Mrs. Crew and I visited our local IKEA store for the first time.  Picked up a few items for the office, sampled the Swedish meatballs in the store cafeteria, all in all it was a nice afternoon.  My favorite part of the day was neither of us getting beheaded at the store. The same can not be said for an IKEA shopper in the retailer's home nation of Sweden.  Read more here.

  • In recent years, Topeka, KS has had a  problem with nekkid citizens. Public nudity is apparently legal in Topeka, and a few of the locals have been taking full advantage. Looks like the party may be winding down though, as the city council is taking up a new ordinance that would ban public nudity. Exceptions would be made for breastfeeding mothers, and children under the age of ten (?). SACSTW investigators have not been able to confirm that Topeka council members are privately referring to the new ordinance as the Crew's Law.
  •  Looks like the anti-gun laws in Massachusetts are really cutting down on crime. I'll just leave this surveillance photo from a Holyoke, MA bank robbery here....
    "Aaaarrrrr, gimme all the money"

  •  Let's close this edition of Monday Musings with a quiz to see how well you've been paying attention to the intelligent, well-reasoned arguments of the left this week.  Who was quoted as saying "I'd like to take my period blood and smear it all over some people's faces" when asked about pro-lifers?
    • Rosie O'Donnell
    • Rosie O'Donnell
    • Rosie O'Donnell
    • Bruce Jenner
                Still stumped?  OK, here's your one and only hint.....

Friday, August 14, 2015

WTH is a Fetty Wap?

The bard of the 21st Century, Mr. Wap.
Earlier this week, this was a question that I posed to The Crew. The local sports and news stations in Kansas City were going orgasmic over a reported Fetty Wap sighting at the Tuesday night Royals' game. So I phoned The Learned Crew (my source for all things hip) and asked, "What the hell is a Feddy Wop?" He said that he wasn't sure but he believed that Feddy Wop was a who and not what.  I told him that from all the hysteria I thought perhaps Elvis had returned from the dead or that the Queen of England was travelling under an alias.

He said, "I'm on it!"  A few minutes later he called back and explained that in fact yes,  Feddy Wop is a who and not a what and that the proper spelling was FETTY WAP.  Mr. Wap is apparently a new musical artist of some renown and is very popular with some of the Royals players.  His big hit is a little ditty titled "Trap Queen".  The Crew further informed me that he had viewed the video for Trap Queen and that he needed to get off the phone and shower as a result.  Before he clicked off he said, "You have to watch it."  So when I got home from work, I sat down at my computer to review "Trap Queen".  Here are my thoughts.   (Having grown up trying to decipher Mick Jagger's lyrics, I went split screen with the Trap Queen lyrics as I was watched.)

This man is truly the bard of his generation and I was viewing his magnum opus.  I believe I was listening to the Handel's Messiah of the 21st century. For those of you who haven't seen the video, I think I gleaned a few things:

  • Fetty (to his friends) makes a fantastic living as a baker.  He multiple times refers to making pies with his baby and having a sack to roll.  I am inferring that he means a sack of flour to roll into pie dough.
  • He likes money.
  • He likes his stripper girlfriend
  • The pie baking business is dangerous because he surrounds himself with a number of very large and scary looking individuals.

It was a very uplifting and inspiring song.  So much so, that I felt compelled to up my street cred by taking Sahib Jr. to see "Straight Outta Compton" last night.  I feel my pants sagging off my butt as I type.

Have a wonderful Friday and a safe weekend everyone.  And PEACE OUT!

Thursday, August 13, 2015

Happy Birthday.....To Us!

August of 2011 was dark and full of terrors.  With the 2012 Presidential campaign in full swing, the spectre of a second Obama term was looming over all of us.  I pitched the idea of a political commentary blog to Sahib, and SACSTW was born... four years ago today.

At first I thought we would occupy ourselves primarily with the election, but it didn't take long for SACSTW to careen off in another direction.  After all, there are any number of outlets where you can hear the latest banal politital analysis if you so choose.  But let's be honest...there aren't too many that cover the craziness of our world like SACSTW.

The first few weeks we were a little cautious, feeling our way through the blogosphere like the rank amateurs we were. That all changed on September 26, 2011 with the publication of Sahib's classic "Raising a Nation of Mush-Brained Wusses".  That post blazed a trail for the snark, sarcasm, and satire that is SACSTW's trademark.  Soon after, a little thing called Occupy Wall Street happened, and our cup was overflowing.

No one escapes the arrows of SACSTW, we will skewer anyone who.....

Breaking News-Breaking News-Breaking News

SACSTW interrupts this maudlin, self-congratulatory pablum to bring you late breaking news and definitive evidence that the devolution of Homo sapiens is nearly complete. South Carolina authorities have charged 55 year old David Hoyt with shoplifting $75 in steaks from a Food Lion store in Spartanburg County.  Seems hum drum you say?  What is interesting about another shoplifter?  Dear readers, let me assure you Mr. Hoyt is no ordinary shoplifter.  Upon questioning, Hoyt's girlfriend confirmed that the scalawag had stolen the steaks by....hiding them in his colostomy
Not Sahib

And so it has come to this.  After 4 years, 390 posts, and with readers in over 100 countries, I find myself without words.  All because of David Hoyt and his colostomy bag of purloined protein.  

I'll just close with this.  Sahib and I have been writing partners for 4 years, and friends for almost 10 20 30, for crying out loud it has been damn near 40 years!  Happy 4th Birthday buddy!

Editor's Note- that is the colostomy bag guy, not Sahib.  

Wednesday, August 12, 2015

SACSTW Tweet of the Day!

Today's tweet comes from perennial SACSTW favorite David Burge (with a nod to Chief Brody), give him a follow at @iowahawkblog...


Monday, August 10, 2015

Monday Musings With The Crew

Tired of GOP debate analysis?  Heard enough about Megyn Kelly's menstrual cycle over the weekend?  You've come to the right place, let's dive into this week's edition of Monday Musings...

  • The Kraft company is recalling 36,000 cases of individually wrapped slices of "cheese" after several customers reported choking on the plastic wrapping covering the slices.  SACSTW dispatched our ace field investigator to interview the customers, where it was determined they had actually choked on the "cheese". Officials with the FDA have demanded Kraft "make the cheese and the plastic taste different".
  • Pope Francis marked the 70th anniversary of the Hiroshima bombing by referring to the atomic blast as "a permanent warning to humanity".  Indeed. 
  • The one-year anniversay of Michael Brown's death was also marked this weekend.  Trevion Hobson had perhaps the most poignant and heartfelt tribute to Mr. Brown.  Police say the 17 year old attended the protest on the anniversary...and shot a fellow protestor.  If Barack had a son...
  • As we noted on the SACSTW Facebook page this week,  Nathan Phifer went into a grocery store in the Houston area and proceeded to cache 3 bottles of wine in his pants.  He then went to the store bathroom and pounded 2 of the bottles.  On his way out of the store, Nathan grabbed up a handful of sushi and stuffed it down his pants as well.  Store personnel stopped him on the way out with the ill-booten gotty.  Frankly, I'm suspicious of this whole story.  Sahib hasn't used the "Nathan" alias in years.
  •  Finally there is this.... Perennial SACSTW fave Kim Jong-un and his band of wacky henchmen are at it again.  North Korea has announced that on August 15th, every clock in the country will be set back 30 minutes to the newly decreed "Pyongyang Time".  Pyongyang Time is defined as 149 years, 364 days, 23 hours, and 30 minutes ahead of the standard of living of the North Korean people.  Long-time SACSTW readers take note....the Lachrymosity Level is
    now Orgasmic.

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Thursday, August 6, 2015

Democrats Love Vermin!

No, I'm not referring to the president...

Leading Democrat candidate Vermin Love Supreme

Apparently, Hillary, Creepy Uncle Joe, and Commander Kerry are not the only Democrat presidential candidate retreads who are running or are considering running for president.  Sahib and Crew favorite Vermin Love Supreme is throwing his boot, err hat, into the ring.  (He has the boot to this day!)

Running on a platform of a free pony for every American, time-travel research, mandatory dental hygiene, and zombie power, Mr. Supreme appears to be one of the more lucid candidates running for the Democrat nomination.  As he perfectly illustrates in the video below of a debate from his 2012 presidential run.

Of course when these are your choices...

This guy doesn't seem so bad...

However; I must disagree with Mr. Supreme on one point.  Given the moral bankruptcy of the Democrat party, he may be Vermin, but he is hardly Supreme.

Tuesday, August 4, 2015

The Campaign Speech I Would Love to Hear...

Sahib gets a new job!

OK, maybe I don't have a new job but I would like to offer my humble talents to any conservative candidate who wants a straight from the hip, no nonsense, campaign speech writer.

So as the corner undocumented pharmacist always says to prospective clients with a pharmacological preference (practicing up on my PC lingo, don't want to be accused of micro-aggressions), the first taste is free.  Here is a campaign speech I would love to hear:

My fellow Americans.  I stand here today humbled at the opportunity to possibly follow in the footsteps of such great American heroes as Washington, Jefferson, Lincoln and Reagan.  A prospect I take with the utmost gravity. As such, my first speech as a candidate will be filled with promises.  (Wait for audience skeptical response)  I know, I know.  A politician making promises.  I can already hear the jokes.  But wait there is more!  It will be filled with honesty as well.  Brutal honesty.  And yes, my lips will be moving throughout this speech.  So buckle in.  Here goes.
I promise that I will never apologize for offending anyone.  If I meant to offend you, then I am not sorry.  I meant to offend you.  If I didn't intend on offending you, then I am not sorry.  I did not intend on offending you.  If you were offended anyway, that is your problem, not mine. (I am working on a more detailed treatise on the perpetually offended. Look for it soon.)
If elected, I promise that I will occasionally lie to you.  For instance; when Iran inevitably reneges on the current nuclear deal, I am sure I will be asked about a possible military response.  I will lie.  "Of course we have no plans to coordinate with Israel concerning the complete obliteration of all Iranian nuclear facilities. How silly of you to ask!  And it definitely will not be happening next Tuesday!"
Unlike some of my predecessors, however; I promise I will never lie to forward my political agenda or to push through legislation that forwards said agenda.  There will be no more of the legislative "Don't ask, don't tell" you have to pass the bill before you can read it.
I promise to take the Alexandrian approach to the regulatory knot that my predecessor has created. Federal departments and agencies will be on notice as of day one of my presidency that regulations are going to be slashed. The EPA, HHS, IRS, and ICE in particular will be under the microscope.
All judicial appointees, particularly those to the Supreme Court, will be vetted not on their political views but to their adherence to the Constitution of the United State of America.
The tolerance of illegal immigration ends today.  We are a nation of laws.  Unlike previous administrations, my presidency will make following those laws a priority.  All laws regarding immigration will be enforced.
I realize that everyone may not agree with my political stances.  That is the beauty of our political system.  You don't have to.  If you don't like what I have to say, guess what?  Don't vote for me.
I really hope you all have enjoyed your first peek into what my presidency will be like. There will much more to come in the weeks and months ahead.  God bless you all and God bless the United States of America!
I will be waiting for the phone to ring...

Monday, August 3, 2015

Monday Musings

One of our many hallowed traditions here at SACSTW is Monday Musings with the Crew.  Let's face it, Mondays I try to gather up a few little nuggets of blazing insanity from over the weekend to get your week off to a good start.  Let's dive right in..

  •  In what can only be described as the ultimate indictment of the left, Debbie Wasserman Schulz is still the chairman of the Democrat National Committee.  She had an interesting weekend on the talk show circuit, as first Tingles Matthews and then Chuck Todd asked her to explain the difference between a Democrat (Hillary Clinton) and a Socialist (Bernie Sanders). She ignored the question, instead "focusing" on the difference between Democrats and Republicans....
the difference between Democrats and Republicans is that Democrats want to make sure that people have the opportunity to climb the ladder of success and reach the middle class--
Debbie Wasserman Schulz 
           What DWS failed to mention is that the ladder of success can be climbed in both directions.  
           Her party is most interested in helping people reach the middle class by climbing DOWN that
           ladder. One of SACSTW's intrepid field reporters caught up with Ms. Wasserman Schulz to 
           ask her to elaborate..

  • On Wednesday of this week, doctors at the Tufts University School of Veterinary Medicine will fit a chicken named Cecily with a $2,500 prosthetic leg.  Cecily's owner is paying for the procedure out of pocket.  Seems reasonable, after all you don't eat a great chicken like Cecily all at once.
  • No matter how bad your weekend was, it was likely better than Colin Corkhill's.  The 26 year old Arizona man was jailed over the weekend on a number of charges.  He is now hospitalized after pulling his right eyeball out with his fingers in the jail.  Interestingly, all the TVs in the jail were tuned to MSNBC at the time of the ocular extraction.  Been there my friend...
  • Looks like Piers Morgan, Michael Bloomberg, Barack Obama and the rest of the gun control
    FYI, Amy is in the foreground
    whackadoodles can stand down.  Over the weekend, actress Amy Schumer made this comment about gun violence..."don't worry, I'm on it.  You'll see."  Schumer's movie Trainwreck was playing in the Louisiana theater that John Houser shot up last month.  She is also the star of something called "Inside Amy Schumer".  Uh, no thanks.
  • For all of us here at SACSTW, I'd like to say...Run Joe, Run!

Friday, July 31, 2015

Cecil the Lion Was A Democrat!

Cecil the lion was a Democrat, and it killed him.  More precisely, male African lions are the Occupy Wall Street types of the animal kingdom.  They lay around most of the day drawing crowds of gawkers, but never really contributing anything to the advancement of the species other than a little sperm.  OK, a lot of sperm...but I digress.

Regal in appearance but indolent at heart, male lions would prefer to lounge around the Serengeti than get up off their ass and run down a wildebeest.  Remind you of anyone?

 Like the Occupy crowd, male lions sponge off the work of others, in their case female lions.  Lionesses do the majority of the hunting for a pride of lions, then defer to the male who eats first from the kill.  Hang on....Mrs. Crew is telling me dinner is ready.

Ok, I'm back.   Why the treatise on lion behavior you ask?  Unless you have just teleported on to this rock from the third ring of Saturn, you have heard about Cecil the lion.  By the is "ses-uhl", not "see-suhl".  Cecil was evidently the most beloved and well known lion in his home country of Zimbabwe, living a life of leisure and torpidity on a local game preserve.

Enter Walter Palmer, DDS.  Palmer, a Minnesota dentist, paid $55,000 for a lion hunt in early July that resulted in Cecil getting whacked.  Most reports indicate that the professional hunter hired by Palmer and one other coaxed Cecil off the game preserve by dragging a dead animal behind a vehicle as a lure.  Palmer then shot Cecil with a bow, wounding him.  The hunting party tracked Cecil for 40 hours before he was ultimately dispatched with a gunshot from the professional hunter.

When news of  Cecil's demise leaked out, the world exploded.  Twitter feeds were choked with angry animal lovers, many calling for the death of Dr. Palmer. Jimmy Kimmel broke down on national TV. Facebook timelines filled up with pictures of Cecil, celebrities stopped pimping the Iran deal and started caterwauling about "Justice for Cecil". Dr. Palmer's dental practice was shuttered, and he has gone into hiding.  Trespassers (some call them protestors) have spent the week littering Dr. Palmer's property with death threats and memorials to Cecil.  These two moonbats dressed as lions going on a "dentist hunt"....

On a side note, I wonder how the cows whose skins cover the car seats of these two idiots feel?  Seriously, cows have got to get a better marketing department.  But I digress, again...

With apologies to Edgar Wallace, twas liberalism that killed the beast.  Had Cecil been a rock-ribbed, self sufficient conservative apex predator (like say, Sahib and the Crew), he would have been out working hard to support his family when the nefarious Dr. Palmer came calling.  Instead, liberalism had taught him dependency, and he fell victim to the siren song of an easy meal.

We can learn a lot from Cecil's unfortunate demise...
  • Liberalism kills, be it in the Zimbabwean jungle or the asphalt jungle of the United States
  • Initiative, ambition, and self-reliance will serve you better than sloth, handouts, and welfare
  • Never trust anyone from Minnesota.  This has been one of my personal mantras since the voters there sent this guy to the United States Senate....
P.S.- the Senator is the one with only one banana

Millions upon millions of ethical hunters do more for the conservation of game species in one day than all the stuffed animal memorials and "dentist hunts" will ever do.  That said, if Dr. Palmer and the others involved violated the game laws of Zimbabwe (and it appears they did), they should be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law.  But please, let's not make this out to be the crime of the century.

After all, it's not like Dr. Palmer was out there chopping up babies into little salable bits.

Thursday, July 30, 2015

The Boys Are Back In Town!

Rejoice Rejoice Rejoice!

 Like the swallows to Capistrano and MacArthur to the Philippines, Sahib and the Crew have returned to the blogosphere!  It is a time of great jubilation amongst the masses, unless of course you are...
  1. A liberal pantywaist
  2. A progressive moonbat
  3. Barack Obama
  4. Hillary Clinton
  5. utterly devoid of humor 
  6. easily offended
Yes, it has been a long time folks...for crying out loud the Kansas City Royals have played in a World Series since the last time you heard from us! Sahib and I have been comfortably ensconced in The Home for Retired Bloggers for over a year now, watching the world spin by in all its glorious delirium. We can sit idly watching no longer. Fear not gentle reader, for Sahib and the Crew have girded their loins and stepped once more into the breech!

Editor's note:  I'd like to make it perfectly clear that all loins were girded individually, there was no mutual girding.  Not that there's anything wrong with that.