Monday Musings With The Crew

Tired of GOP debate analysis?  Heard enough about Megyn Kelly's menstrual cycle over the weekend?  You've come to the right place, let's dive into this week's edition of Monday Musings...

• The Kraft company is recalling 36,000 cases of individually wrapped slices of "cheese" after several customers reported choking on the plastic wrapping covering the slices.  SACSTW dispatched our ace field investigator to interview the customers, where it was determined they had actually choked on the "cheese". Officials with the FDA have demanded Kraft "make the cheese and the plastic taste different".

• Pope Francis marked the 70th anniversary of the Hiroshima bombing by referring to the atomic blast as "a permanent warning to humanity".  Indeed. 
  

• The one-year anniversay of Michael Brown's death was also marked this weekend.  Trevion Hobson had perhaps the most poignant and heartfelt tribute to Mr. Brown.  Police say the 17 year old attended the protest on the anniversary...and shot a fellow protestor.  If Barack had a son...

• As we noted on the SACSTW Facebook page this week,  Nathan Phifer went into a grocery store in the Houston area and proceeded to cache 3 bottles of wine in his pants.  He then went to the store bathroom and pounded 2 of the bottles.  On his way out of the store, Nathan grabbed up a handful of sushi and stuffed it down his pants as well.  Store personnel stopped him on the way out with the ill-booten gotty.  Frankly, I'm suspicious of this whole story.  Sahib hasn't used the "Nathan" alias in years.

•  Finally there is this.... Perennial SACSTW fave Kim Jong-un and his band of wacky henchmen are at it again.  North Korea has announced that on August 15th, every clock in the country will be set back 30 minutes to the newly decreed "Pyongyang Time".  Pyongyang Time is defined as 149 years, 364 days, 23 hours, and 30 minutes ahead of the standard of living of the North Korean people.  Long-time SACSTW readers take note....the Lachrymosity Level is
  

  now Orgasmic.
  

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Monday Musings With The Crew

it's been a good year....

• Congratulations to the KState men's basketball team on their first conference championship (albeit shared!) since 1977.  Attention KU fan, if you are going to count your shared titles in 2005, 2006, and 2008,  we are counting this one.

• A 25 year old high school softball coach has lost his job after "allegedly" asking some of his female players to "find a cute girl" for him to date.  Troy Hennum was on the job at Roosevelt High School in Seattle for a grand total of 6 days.  I suppose we can be thankful he was just using his players to find him dates, instead of actually dating his players.  More here.

Very fly in the prison
orange Mr. Mayor!

• Former Detroit mayor and current scumbag Kwame Kilpatrick was convicted today of multiple counts of racketeering and corruption.  When last we saw Mr. Kilpatrick, he was doing 14 months in the slammer for probation violations related to a case involving his affair with his chief of staff.  Maybe I should start a weekly "Democrats in prison jumpsuits" feature here at SACSTW!

• Here is my nomination for best headline of 2013, from Foxnews.com...... "Saudi Arabia may stop beheadings over shortage of swordsmen".  Apparently the Kingdom is considering old-fashioned firing squads, they are probably the only ones who can afford the ammo these days.

• Dennis Rodman's little buddy Kim Jong Un has evidently gone off his meds.  The North Korean crackpot has canceled the armistice agreement that ended the Korean War.  Somebody better tell Hawkeye and Beej.  

• Found some old video of Howard Dean the other day, he's the one in the green......

Physics Lessons for our Wacky North Korean Friends

North Korean Nuclear Missile Transportation System

Our fun-loving friends, the North Koreans, have never let silly things like the laws of physics get in the way of their grand aspirations.  Even faced with setback after setback, the sunny North Koreans are ever optimistic.  After last April's abysmal rocket failure, the latest Dear Leader Kim Jong-un was unfazed and went to atomic warhead delivery system Option 2 shown below:

Atomic warhead delivery Option 2

Of course this presupposes that a North Korean atomic device will even detonate.  We have all seen this atomic test video smuggled out of North Korea by NBC operatives:




One wonders how a country that spends so much time and so many resources on their military can struggle so consistently to develop a simple atomic bomb and a way to share it with their South Korean cousins.  I mean come on, if the Pakistanis can do it, how hard can it be????

Well, after reading North Korean Vice Foreign Minister Pak Kil Yon's comments to the UN, I think I have it figured out.  This quote explained it all:

"Today, due to the continued U.S. hostile policy towards the DPRK," Pak said, "the vicious cycle of confrontation and aggravation of tension is an ongoing phenomenon on the Korean peninsula, which has become the world's most dangerous hotspot where a spark of fire could set off a thermonuclear war."

The North Koreans have stolen the wrong sets of plans!  They stole them from Wile E. Coyote, Super Genius:

I'm no nuclear physicist, but even I know that you don't use a match to set off a thermonuclear bomb.

You Cry Harder! North Korean Grief Reeducation

SACSTW reporters have the latest scoop on our zany buddies from the east, North Korea.  North Koreans just aren't sad enough!  The North Koreans are such a happy-go-lucky group of people it is easy to imagine that they would have difficulty being somber.  I mean they lead such easy lives of leisure and plenty. Fortunately, their latest and greatest Dear Leader has implemented a new system to assist them with proper levels of grieving. 

Lachrymosity Level Enforcement Department

After numerous "criticism" sessions, it was decided that the fun-loving North Korean people really didn't know how to properly grieve.  Thus, many of them received personal invitations to grieving reeducation camps.  I mean look at these pictures... These people make jocularity a national pastime.

Kim Jong Il official concubines

(There wasn't this much sobbing over the deaths of JFK, MLK, Elvis, and Princess Diana combined!)

Grieving is a family activity in North Korea

After much deliberation, a new system has been implemented:  The national Lachrymosity Level system of national mourning.  To show the world that they are hip to new technology, the Lachrymosity Level system will use a series of emoticons to inform North Korean citizens of their proper level of misery.  Below is the Lachrymosity Level (LL) matrix:

Lachrymosity Level	Emoticon	National Conditions	Expected Behavior
Orgasmic		Kim Jong Un celebrates a birthday, is cast as Odd Job in the “Goldfinger” remake, or has a successful bowel movement.	Uncontrollable joyous weeping, writhing on the ground, and rending of clothing.
Melancholy		Kim Jong Un is not mistaken as a beluga whale by Japanese trawlers while swimming.	Public expressions of mirth are expressly prohibited.  Wistful smiles are allowed if meditating on the wonders of the Dear Leader.
Catatonic		Default national Lachrymosity Level	Feet must be shuffled and eyes must be downcast.  Muffled sobbing is encouraged.
Lugubrious		Kim Jong Un has a hangnail, dies, or Obama loses the 2012 election.	Uncontrollable screaming, wailing, and rending of clothing.  Every third citizen must commit seppuku.

Invitees of the grieving reeducation camps will receive LL emoticon flash-cards along with their copies of "North Korean Golf for Dummies - How to Score 38 under in your first round ever!" by Kim Jung Il.  All other citizens will receive their LL emoticon flash-cards with their monthly bowls of gruel ration cards.  On notification of the the nation's LL condition, all citizens are required to pin the appropriate LL flash-card to their outer-clothing.

Lachrymosity Level Notification System

Dear Leader Obama is reported to be considering a similar system for media reporting of his daily poll numbers.  Media outlets in the People's Republic of San Francisco have volunteered to be the initial test market.  

SACSTW reporters will keep you updated on the latest situations in both North Korea and San Francisco.

*Editor's note:  The idea for today's post was brought to you by SACSTW creative consultant and crew member emeritus Brian Holyfield - @Holyfield67

Monday Musings With The Crew

Another addition to the "List of Tyrants who have croaked
 since SACSTW came on the scene"

Kim Part 3 looks like the voice of reason,
doesn't he?

• Not only is Kim Jong ill, he's dead.  After continuing his father's legacy of brutality and oppression for 17 years, the ruler of North Korea has died.  Reports indicate he suffered a heart attack on Dec. 17th, and died shortly therafter. The designated successor is Kim Jong il's son, Kim Jong Un.   In a gesture surely meant to reassure neighboring South Korea that regime change will be peaceful and non-threatening, North Korea test-fired short range missiles off its eastern coast yesterday.  I feel better already!  

• Here's another story about good samaritans paying off layaway accounts for holiday shoppers.  Thanks to Sahib for bringing this story to the attention of the SACSTW community.

• The Green Bay Packers dreams of an undefeated season and their 19 game winning streak died on the turf at Arrowhead Stadium in Kansas City.  Fourteen point underdogs going in to the game, the KC Chiefs authored the biggest upset of the NFL season with the assistance of an actual NFL coach and a professional quarterback.  

• By now you have heard that the National Transportation and Safety Board (NTSB) has called for a nationwide ban on all usage of "portable electronic devices" while driving.  Specifically aimed at cell phones, this ban would include texting, voice calling, and even use of hands-free equipment.  While the Crew agrees that distracted driving is a threat to us all, this falls under the category of "you can't fix stupid" (with apologies to Ron White).  Look for bans of other driving distractions to soon follow, mascara, Egg McMuffins, billboards for strip clubs, and daredevil squirrels.  By the way, how would this ban affect those who are actually driving a "portable electronic device"?  Both Chevy Volt owners want to know.  For more information on distracted driving, readers are directed to P.J. O'Rourke's classic essay "How to Drive Fast on Drugs While Getting Your Wing-Wang Squeezed and Not Spill Your Drink!".

• Merry ChristmaHanuKwanzakah to all!

Monday Musings With The Crew

Once more, into the breech......

• How bad are the Kansas City Chiefs?  Try this little experiment.  Stand up.  Take 5 long steps.  You have now traveled further than the Kansas City offense did in the entire first half yesterday against the New York Jets.  LATE BREAKING UPDATE:  Minutes after this post was published, the Chiefs fired head coach Todd Haley.  The influence of SACSTW knows no bounds!

I'm guessing he's Spanky

• Al Sharpton's not-for-profit (insert smirk here) National Action Network is in serious financial trouble.  NAN owes over $880,000 in federal payroll taxes.  They also owe over $200,000 to one of Sharpton's for profit firms, Bo-Spanky Consulting.  Let me write that again..... Bo-Spanky Consulting. Almost as much fun to write as it is to say.  I am calling for an immediate investigation into the true leadership of this consulting firm, anything named Bo-Spanky has to have Barney Frank involved somehow.  

Sorry little fella, don't take it personally

• The Patriot Freedom Alliance is the Tea Party organization in Hutchinson, Kansas.  They have run afoul of the race card in the last few days.  A cartoon (since removed) on their website compared a skunk to Barack Obama, saying that like the President, the skunk is "half-black, half-white, and everything it does stinks".  The local NAACP predictably termed the cartoon as racist and offensive.  The Crew wonders how much longer an organization with the words "Colored People" in its title will be allowed to be the arbiter of racism.  Actually, I agree that the cartoon was offensive and degrading.... to skunks.

• Looks like the Obama administration is deadly serious about securing our southern border.  After all, why else would the federal government open an unmanned border crossing point?  That is exactly what they want to do in Big Bend National Park so the residents of the tiny Mexican town of Boquillas del Carmen don't have to travel the 240 miles to the nearest legal entry point.  Here is how it will work..... note that this requires a significant suspension of disbelief!  Border crossers using the "kiosk" will scan their documents in and talk to a Customs officer who will be at least 100 miles away.  Attention Dear Leader, kiosks are for selling sunglasses in the mall.  Gun towers and German Shepherds are for border crossings.

• A large Christmas light display has a neighbor angry, calling the display "psychological warfare".  No, this doesn't involve U.S. public schools, state courthouses, or any of the other places Christmas lights usually run afoul of the left.  This time, it's Kim Jong-il and his merry band of North Korean gangsters protesting a South Korean Christmas light display about 2 miles from the border with North Korea.  North Korea's official website decried the display as "a mean attempt for psychological warfare", and threatened retaliatory gunfire if the lights are actually switched on.  Geez, who knew?  All that angst about North Korea's military build-up and all we had to do was string up some pretty lights!