During my routine vehicle check for tracking and listening devices as I was leaving the SACSTW secret underground command bunker yesterday, I saw an object sitting on the driver's seat. I had the SACSTW Robotics lab bring up the bomb robot to check it out. Once the bomb analysis proved negative, the Crew and I examined the object. It was a book with a note attached and several hand-written sheets of paper inside. The note simply said, "Another letter from Obama to his hero Karl Marx. Enjoy! Your friend, Cavernous Trachea." So devoted readers, we submit for your reading pleasure President Obama's most recent missive to his hero Karl Marx.
The doctors are making me write to you again. Apparently, they feel I had another 'episode'. So while I am waiting for my latest B12 shot to kick in (I'm really starting to like them), they asked me to write you another letter.
Everyone is REALLY overreacting this time. It was just a simple misunderstanding. With Herman Cain out of the game, I figured I would co-opt his 999 tax plan as my own. As you know from my last letter, Mr. Teleprompter has really been letting me down lately. So to help me remember the numbers, I had 999 tattooed on my wrist. All I have to do is pull up my sleeve a little and sneak a peak when I need one.
Well Karl, that brings us to today. It was too cold to play golf so me and my buds went down to the DC CYO to shoot a little hoop. (For some reason everyone down there was giving me dirty looks.) After the game, the priest who runs the place wanted to have a few words with me. Something about contraceptives blah, blah, blah, freedom of religion blah, blah, blah. So he looks down at my wrist and starts freaking out. Before the Secret Service agents can react, he pulls a bottle out of his pocket and throws some sort of liquid on me. I don't care what anyone says! I did NOT writhe on the ground screaming 'It burns! It burns!" I simply slipped on the 'holy' water (I don't believe the lab results, I think it was some kind of acid.) and twisted my ankle. I was calmly telling everyone "It turned. It turned."
Karl, why are the Catholics getting so worked up about everything? Heck, you said religion is the opium of the people. I thought they'd be so doped up that they wouldn't notice my little end-around the constitution. Even Joe and the Notre Dame administration weren't with me on that one. Don't they understand that I know what's best for them? Ingrates...
I just feel so alone. I know the republicans hate my guts, but Harry Reid won't even bring my new budget to a vote. All it takes is a simple majority to pass and the republicans can't filibuster it. Besides, I worked really really hard on it.
I guess I still have my friends at Media Matters. I got the idea for our weekly strategy sessions from LBJ and McNamara during Viet Nam. I can count on them to get my message out correctly to the major news outlets. I've given up on Fox though, I don't think they'll ever come around. Maybe I can get Murdoch deported...
I'll always have you Karl, and of course Stanley*. He should be around soon for our evening ride on the South Lawn. I will be better. I promise to try and maintain my composure even when Joe provokes me. I can't believe he didn't think it was funny when I switched his Bible for the Koran before the prayer breakfast. There's Stanley now. Have to go.
Your devoted friend,
After reading Obama's latest letter, the Crew asked, "Check out the book! Maybe it has more clues as to Cavernous Trachea's identity." At this point I noticed the title, "Plagiarism for Dummies", hmmmmmmm.
*Stanley is President Obama's pet unicorn.