Cavernous Trachea Strikes Again! Obama Letter to Karl Marx

Just when The Crew and I had thought we had heard the last of Cavernous Trachea, it happened again.  I was pulling the daily school planner out of Sahib Jr.'s backpack and I found an envelope addressed to SACSTW.  In the envelope was a letter with a post-it-note on it.  The post-it-note said, "Hello gentlemen!  Here is the latest missive from Dear Leader Obama to his hero and inspiration, Karl Marx.  Enjoy! Your friend, CT "  This was the letter enclosed:

Dear Karl,

I don't care what anyone says!  I did NOT have another "episode".  Maybe my celebration was a little excessive, but once again my actions were misinterpreted.  I probably shouldn't have done my Yosemite Sam imitation, snatched that Secret Service agent's gun out of his holster, and started shooting holes into the ceiling of the Oval Office, but I was just so darn excited.  Things are really starting to come together.  

Joe hasn't said anything incredibly stupid in the last 24 hours. (I wonder if he's in the country.) Moochelle is planning another vacation and is going to be on Leno so she hasn't been nagging me about smoking.  The republicans are beating the crap out of each other in the primaries.  Breitbart's death has delayed the release of his "Obama Gone Wild" video series at least for a while.  Life is good!  But you know what Karl?  That's not what really has me revved up.  I have accomplished two things I thought would never happen in my presidency. 

My two biggest enemies, Rush Limbaugh and Benjamin Netanyahu, have really screwed the pooch.  I think I've really snowed Bibi about Iran.  I think I've lulled him into complacency by repeating "Give negotiations a chance! Give sanctions a chance!" over and over again.  I never thought he would buy it, but I believe he has.  He has to keep the rhetoric up to assuage his constituency, but I think I can stall him long enough that Iran will have nukes before Israel feels they have to preemptively strike.  I am SO smart.  But he's just the little Satan.  I've scored my biggest victory against the Great Satan, Rush Limbaugh.

I can't believe Rush fell for DNC plant, "23" year old Sandra Fluke.  I mean it was SOOOO obvious.  She's a Cornell graduate for Pete's sake, and that's where I "went" to college. (Hee, hee, hee) Wait, no, I "went" to Columbia.  Oh well, whatever.  She was perfect with her "cherished" friend who lost her ovary due to the pernicious policies of the Georgetown administration.  I can't believe no one thought to ask why such a champion of female contraceptive rights wouldn't chip in a few bucks a month to help a "cherished" friend in dire medical straights. Or why didn't her anonymous friend go to Planned Parenthood or any of the multiple free clinics in DC?  Stupid conservatives.  And then Rush takes the bait hook, line, and sinker by calling her a slut and prostitute.  I couldn't get the talking points off the Media Matters fast enough.  Five dollar a gallon gas, trafficking guns to Mexican drug cartels, the Volt going belly up, more "green" energy companies propped up by federal loans failing, who cares?  Rush obliquely called someone a slut.  This has been the best week ever.

Well Karl, I have to go.  The doctors won't give me any more of those B12 shots that make me feel so good.  Eric Holder has to sneak them to me down in the kitchen.  If I don't take them, my unicorn, Stanley, doesn't show up for our evening rides on the South Lawn.  Thanks for letting me share my awesome news with you.

Your friend, 

Barry

 I dug through Sahib Jr.'s backpack looking for more clues as to the identity of Cavernous Trachea.  All I found were some gumdrops in the bottom of his backpack.  Sahib Jr. hates gumdrops.  Hmmmmm....

SACSTW at Obama Presser?

President Obama will hold a press conference, his first in almost 4 months, today at 1pm EST.  Although it might seem strange for Dear Leader to hold a presser on Super Tuesday, it makes perfect political sense.  On the day when GOP voters in ten states will go to the polls to help select his general election opponent, Obama is doing everything he can to continue the fabricated furor over "Contraception-gate".

While Obama's introductory statements will be about his meetings with Benjamin Netanyahu, he will be salivating in anticipation of the first Sandra Fluke question.  Then the bashing and demonization of the GOP in general and Rush Limbaugh in particular can continue unabated.

Unfortunately, SACSTW will be at the conference in spirit only.  That hasn't stopped me from formulating a list of questions I would like Dear Leader to address.

1) Do you believe that voter intimidation should be allowed at polliing places, as long as it is conducted by large black men carrying blunt weapons?

2) Do you agree with your Justice Department's decision to withhold significant exculpatory evidence from the defense in the ethics trial of former Senator Ted Stevens?

3) Do you believe that the Republican Party is actually waging a war on women as postulated by the Democratic Senatorial Campaign Committee?

4) Do you believe that Speaker of the House John Boehner and U.S. Representative Eric Cantor are, in fact, non-human servants of Satan?

5) Do you believe that members of the Tea Party should "go straight to hell"?

6) Do you believe that Laura Ingraham is a slut?

7) Do you believe that Michelle Malkin is a "big mashed-up bag of meat with lips"?

8) Do you believe that Sarah Palin is a profoundly stupid twat?

9) Do you believe that S.E. Cupp should have been aborted by her mother?

10) Finally Mr. President, and most importantly....What percentage of an American citizen's income should he or she be allowed to keep after local, state, and federal taxation?

Monday Musings With The Crew

• While our national media and central government were busy discussing the sexual appetites of a Georgetown University law student, you might have missed this "shocking" event over the weekend.  As predicted in this space back in October, former KGB strongman Vladimir Putin has regained the presidency of Russia.  Despite reports of massive voting fraud, including an admission from Mikhail Gorbachev that "these are not going to be honest elections", Putin is back in the office he previously held from 2000-2008.  He now has another 6 years to work on his vision of a "Eurasian Union", a Moscow-led conglomerate of nation-states that he says will be based on trade, not ideology.  Right.  Just like the KGB was based on protecting the rights of individual citizens of the Soviet Union.  

• Dear Leader has recently been blowing his own horn about how American oil production is up under his "leadership".  This is just another example of progressives taking credit for things they have nothing to do with.  Let's look at the facts as supplied by the Institute of Energy Research:
• Oil production on federal lands in FY2011 declined 11% from FY2010.  Oil production on state-owned and private lands increased 14% in the same time period.
• Natural gas production on federal lands in FY2011 declined 27% from FY2010.  Natural gas production on state-owned and private lands increased 28% in the same time period.
• The Obama administration is woeful when it comes to getting American energy resources to its citizens.  But hey, I'm sure they will do much better with your health care!

• Senator Olympia Snowe (R- Maine) has announced she will not seek re-election in 2012.  Her decision was bemoaned by Marjorie Clifton in the Huffington Post as "tragedy in Washington".  Clifton called Snowe "the epitome of a good politician", citing as evidence that fact that Snowe was the only Republican senator to vote for Obamacare.  Let's review....Republicans are good politicians only when they agree with the secular-progressive agenda for a central government dominated America.  Got it.

• I found this headline on the website of the Belfast Telegraph this morning...."Buried Alive Challenger Dug Up Dead".  It seems that 24 year old Janaka Basnayake of Sri Lanka was attempting to set a world record for the longest time buried alive.  After spending about 6.5 hours buried in a 10 foot deep trench, Basnayake was dug up and taken to a hospital where he was dead on arrival.  Here's what I found most interesting.  The article states that "doctors were not immediately able to determine how he died".  Note to self....scratch Sri Lanka off the places to go when needing a medical condition diagnosed!

• Oh, those wacky school teachers!  New York public school teacher Melissa Dean recently had her 5th grade class write cards to her boyfriend John Coccarelli because she "thought it was a nice thing to do".  How sweet.  What she didn't mention to the students was Mr. Coccarelli is a guest of the New York penal system on a weapons possession beef, and was also charged in 2008 with possession of child pornography.  Makes you feel all warm and fuzzy inside about the teaching profession, doesn't it?

• Finally, there's this.....

Talk amongst yourselves....

Grounding the Chevy Volt

Crewstradamus is at it again!  About a month ago, I asked in this space "isn't it time to pull the plug on the Volt?".  Looks like the powers that be at Obama Motors have come to the same conclusion.  In a statement released by the government, er company, GM has announced it is halting production of the Dolt and "temporarily" laying off 1300 workers.  At this time, production is scheduled to resume on April 24.  A GM spokesman said "...we are still seeking to align our production with demand".  With production now at zero, I'd say it is perfectly aligned with demand.

By the way, this week Barack Obama said he was looking forward to buying and driving a Volt "after he is no longer President".  Well Dear Leader, I have good news and bad news for you.  The bad news is it looks like you will have to buy a used Volt.  The good news is it will only be about a year old.

Finally tonight, I leave you with this.  SACSTW researchers have infiltrated GM's research and development lab where government scientists are hard at work on the company's green version of its classic Corvette. While we at SACSTW headquarters have lost contact with our agents, they were able to smuggle out this photo of the vehicle in development before presumably being captured by Obama's minions.

At least it has more luggage room than a Smart Car

Hollywood HOs: Kanye West

Hollywood HOs

Kanye West not only writes about hoes, he is one.  He is this week's Hollywood HOs winner.  Who can forget his kind and gracious treatment of that undeserving tramp, Taylor Swift?

"Gimme that!"

Well Kanye has been in the giving mood the last few years.  The Kanye West Foundation dolled out over one million dollars between 2009 and 2010.... to Kanye's buddies.  A whopping $583 went to some discernible charitable organization over that same period.  Well, you know the old saying... Charity begins with homies..

Show me the money! (said the IRS)

Mr. West, your humble, kind, and generous behavior has cemented my opinion of rap "artists" and rap as a "musical" genre.  As I tell Mrs. Sahib and Sahib Jr., it's not music!  It's chanting to a beat.  I'm still holding out hope for Sahib Jr. Jr.'s taste in music.

News of the Funny and Bizarre:

Stories and Pics on the web that made me cringe or laugh this week.  With all the crap going on in the world, I hope this lightens your load just a little.

Nancy Pelosi parking spot sign:

CNN founder Ted Turner 'spends one week each month with a different girlfriend'
I guess he ain't fonda Jane anymore...

Playboy, Virgin Galactic tout zero-grav nookie in spaaaaace!
Printed food served by frisky jetpack bunnies
A weekend getaway for Ted Turner?

Have a great weekend everyone!

Breitbart Dead At 43

A sad day at SACSTW with the unexpected passing of Andrew Breitbart.  Mr. Breitbart was a steadfast soldier in the conservative movement, completely unafraid to take on the most powerful progressives on the planet.  Did that courage cost him his life?

I'm usually not one for conspiracy theories, but I do like facts.  On February 10,2012, Andrew Breitbart said this at the Conservative Political Action Committee conference in Washington:

Less than 3 weeks after promising videos of Barack Obama's early days as a radical, this 43 year old man was dead.  Is there a connection between the two?  I'll let you decide for yourself.

Koran Burning: A Weenie Roast Gone Bad

Waiting on the Fatwa...

Intrepid SACSTW reporters have AGAIN uncovered the truth in another story of supposed "atrocities" in Afghanistan.  This time, the calm, peaceful, tolerant people of Afghanistan have their burqas in a bunch over the light toasting of a couple of Korans by American forces.

This is a simple cultural misunderstanding.  American forces are an outdoorsy bunch.  They like to relieve themselves outdoors: "USMC Yellow 'Rain' of Terror Conspiracy Exposed" and they like to camp.

This time they decided to have a hootenanny to foster good will with the Afghani people .  And what good hootenanny doesn't have a campfire?  They planned on singing  Islamic campfire favorites such as:  "She'll be Blowing up the Mountain When She Comes" and "Boom By Ya" and they decided to cook dinner over the campfire.

They purchased halal hot-dogs.  (100% beef, no pork, blessed by the local Imam)  They even had smores!  The problem arose when the campfire wasn't hot enough to cook the hot-dogs.  A "Native American" soldier informed everyone that the hottest campfires were fueled by bull sh!t (BS).  Non-"Native American" soldiers misunderstood and understandably tossed a couple of Korans on the fire.

Once the misunderstanding was resolved, the Korans were retrieved from the fire. Apparently the Afghanis, after sewing up the vagina of a 12 year old girl and beheading a couple of homosexuals, decided that this was a affront to their moral code.  The images below illustrate their measured and completely reasonable response:

This generated...

This!

Dear Leader Obama sent a three page letter of grovelling to Afghan President Karzai, but even better was this video apology by SACSTW favorite Kira Davis.  As Americans, Sahib and The Crew are appalled that our president didn't accurately portray the depth of our contrition.  Kira sums it up perfectly. 

We expect the fatwa any day now...

UPDATE:  Just heard that Andrew Breitbart died last night.  Our thoughts and prayers are with his family.