So there I was this weekend, driving down to the local shooting range to expend some precious metals. I reached into my range bag for my peashooter, and flinched as my fingers brushed the envelope hidden in the bag. My heart rate skyrocketed, my blood pressure entered the stratosphere, I may have even wet myself a little as two words echoed through my thoughts- Cavernous Trachea!
I gingerly opened the envelope, and indeed, inside was the latest ultra-secret missive from SACSTW's anonymous source inside the Obama administration. It had been many months since we last heard from Cavernous Trachea, and Sahib and I were concerned that he had taken up permanent residency in Fort Marcy Park. Fears allayed, I unfolded the letter and began reading.......
Dear Sahib and Crew,
I have managed to smuggle out Dear Leader's outline for his Inaugural address on Monday. I took the time to retype it for you as I was worried that the original blue crayon wouldn't show up well on SACSTW.........
- probably should replace "my adoring subjects" with "my fellow
- put out cigarette before taking podium
- in the name of the Prophet, don't forget to thank Michelle for her "love" and support
- don't forget to uncross fingers and toes from when you had to touch that religious book
- On the economy
blame previous administration, no wait, the one before that
- remind subjects that the more money they turn over to my government, the more we can return to them, thereby stimulating the
governmenteconomy to its greatest heights.
- sum up as "from each according to his abilities, to me according to my needs"
- introduce idea that it is time the top 75% start paying "their fair share"
- remind subjects that unemployment benefits stimulate economic growth, at least that is what Nancy told me
- gently tell subjects that they don't really need any mean, nasty guns to defend and protect themselves. *Note-- when saying this, be sure not to accidentally glance at one of the hundreds of servants standing around with mean, nasty guns to defend and protect me
- introduce "Countdown to Zero" plan for magazine capacity limits
- Foreign Policy
- ask Joe what this means
- In closing
- share some personal, folksy comments about upcoming vacation plans
- be sure to smile and wave while riding away on Stanley, save maniacal laughter until out of reach of microphones