Sunday, January 20, 2013

Sneak Peek At Obama Inaugural Speech- Cavernous Trachea Strikes!

So there I was this weekend, driving down to the local shooting range to expend some precious metals.  I reached into my range bag for my peashooter, and flinched as my fingers brushed the envelope hidden in the bag.  My heart rate skyrocketed, my blood pressure entered the stratosphere, I may have even wet myself a little as two words echoed through my thoughts-   Cavernous Trachea!

I gingerly opened the envelope, and indeed, inside was the latest ultra-secret missive from SACSTW's anonymous source inside the Obama administration.  It had been many months since we last heard from Cavernous Trachea, and Sahib and I were concerned that he had taken up permanent residency in Fort Marcy Park.  Fears allayed, I unfolded the letter and began reading.......

Dear Sahib and Crew,
I have managed to smuggle out Dear Leader's outline for his Inaugural address on Monday.  I took the time to retype it for you as I was worried that the original blue crayon wouldn't show up well on SACSTW.........

Coronation Inaugural Address  

  • Introduction
    • probably should replace "my adoring subjects" with "my fellow Kenyans Americans"
    • put out cigarette before taking podium
    • in the name of the Prophet, don't forget to thank Michelle for her "love" and support
    • don't forget to uncross fingers and toes from when you had to touch that religious book
  • On the economy
    • blame previous administration, no wait, the one before that
  • Taxation
    • remind subjects that the more money they turn over to my government, the more we can return to them, thereby stimulating the government economy to its greatest heights.
    • sum up as "from each according to his abilities, to me according to my needs"
    • introduce idea that it is time the top 75% start paying "their fair share"
  • Unemployment
    • remind subjects that unemployment benefits stimulate economic growth, at least that is what Nancy told me
  • Guns
    • gently tell subjects that they don't really need any mean, nasty guns to defend and protect themselves.  *Note-- when saying this, be sure not to accidentally glance at one of the hundreds of servants standing around with mean, nasty guns to defend and protect me
    • introduce "Countdown to Zero" plan for magazine capacity limits  
  • Foreign Policy
    • ask Joe what this means
  • In closing
    • share some personal, folksy comments about upcoming vacation plans
    • be sure to smile and wave while riding away on Stanley, save maniacal laughter until out of reach of microphones
I folded the letter back up and replaced it in its envelope.  Cavernous Trachea had once again come through for SACSTW, but at what cost?  How much longer can CT possibly bear the stress of being undercover?  How much longer before he/she is found out, and subjected to some sort of inhuman torture?  Godspeed Cavernous Trachea.  

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