Dear Karl: Obama Letters to Karl Marx

As the Crew and I were leaving the SACSTW secret underground command bunker one recent afternoon, we heard a slight scuffling noise behind us.  With cat-like reflexes we spun and drew down on a shadowy figure lingering behind a tree.  In an obviously digitally altered voice he/she said, “You have nothing to fear from me.  In fact, I have something that might interest you greatly.”  At this point, the figure tossed a bundle of what appeared to be papers at our feet.  “What’s that?”  The Crew Asked.  “Letters.  Letters from Obama to his hero” the figure replied.  “Who’s his hero?” I asked.  “Just read the letters.  They explain everything.”  As the figure disappeared in the fog I yelled after him/her, “Who are you?”  The figure replied, “Just call me… Cavernous Trachea” and he/she was gone. 

The Crew and I quickly repaired to the command center to read the letters.  This is the first one:

“Dear Karl,
 I don’t know why I’m writing you.  This seems silly.  The doctors are totally over-reacting to my little ‘episode’.  I mean everybody needs to blow off steam once in a while right?  Running naked though the West Wing screaming, “Spiders!  Spiders are eating my brain!” was just my way of blowing off steam.  And I really wasn’t going to impale Joe Biden on that fireplace poker.  I was just messing with him.  Nobody can take a joke around here.

 So I guess writing you is supposed to be a more ‘reasonable’ way to deal with my frustrations.  They told me to write a letter to my biggest hero and most influential person in my life.  You were my first and only choice.  So Karl, help me out here.  Everyone’s against me.  Moochelle (she almost caught me calling her that) has been on a spending spree that would make Paris Hilton jealous, Reggie abandoned me, the republicans are catching on to my tricks, and I think my new Mao Zedong tat is infected.  I can’t put any weight on my left cheek at all.  Everyone around me is bummed too.  Even my best buddy, Mr. Teleprompter, is off his game.  Last week in my state of the union address, he just kept repeating the same exact lines from his…  I mean my old speeches.  And the worst thing… no one in my entire administration can think of a  single new euphemism for taxes.  We’ve used them all up.  Darn that vast right-wing conspiracy for trying to wake the chumps… I mean people, up.

 You know what Karl?  I think the doctors were right.  I do feel better!  I’m sure it has nothing to do with that shot they gave me about 20 minutes ago.  They told me it was just a B12 booster for energy.  Oh well, I better go. Stanley, my pet unicorn, just came into my bedroom.  It’s time for our ride on the South Lawn.
 I’ll write you again soon!

Your friend,
Barry”

After reading the letter, The Crew and I went outside to where we had seen the shadowy figure to look for clues as to his/her identity.  The leaves and brush were disturbed where the figure had been standing, but we saw nothing else.  As we were walking away, The Crew exclaimed, “Hey!  What’s that?”  He picked up what looked like piece of scrap paper.  On closer inspection we discovered it was a receipt:

Agent Provocateur

133 Mercer St.

New York, NY 10012

$47,356.78

Hmmmmm….

*Editor's note:  Another great idea brought to you by SACSTW creative consultant Brian Holyfield - @Holyfield67

Monday Musings With The Crew

• Why did the University of Kansas hire the transgender child of Sonny and Cher to coach their football team?  What, was Renee Richards unavailable?

• Newt, I'm trying really hard to support you in the GOP primary.  I love your knowledge of history, your ability to pick apart the foibles and fallacies of the Obama administration, and your ability to rise from the electoral dead.  What I don't love is when you criticize Mitt Romney on his wealth, his Swiss/Cayman Island bank accounts, his tax returns, blah blah blah.  That is a page right out of the "Class Warfare" chapter of the secular progressive handbook.  Very unbecoming for one who purports to be the "conservative" candidate in the GOP field.  You can be better than that.

• The Crew would like to nominate Miley Cyrus as a candidate for this week's Hollywood HOs award.  Photographed making "lingual" advances to her boyfriend's phallic shaped birthday cake  last week, Miley has certainly come a long way!  Gee, who would have guessed that Hannah Montana would turn out to be a ridiculous skank?  Uh, maybe everybody who saw this performance the 16 yr old Cyrus put on at the 2009 Teen Choice Awards:

Hmmm, daughter working the pole at age 16... nice work Billy Ray

• Continuing the theme, supermodel Cindy Crawford's daughter made her modeling debut for Versace this week, appearing in an ad for Young Versace, a clothing line aimed at children 12 and under and pedophiles.  Here is Kaia Crawford in the ad:

Now Crew, you are saying.... the leather jacket, miniskirt, and loads of makeup are all a bit much for a teenage girl, but it's nothing obscene.  Well, technically you are right.  Oh, did I mention that Kaia Crawford is TEN years old?  Consider Mama Cindy up for a Hollywood HOs as well.

• I (Sahib) needed to make an addition to the Crew's Monday Musings.  We just couldn't leave this story out.  A young man, 6, in California was suspended and charged with sexual assault for playing tag.  Check out the Fox News video.  A seventeen year old  snowball thrower is in trouble as well. I guess snowballs are now officially classified as missiles.

Funniest Movie Decade Ever-The '80's: Where have all the funnymen gone?

Funniest Movie Decade Ever!

I’ll leave the dissection of our Dear Leader’s state-of-the-union address last night to the other bloggers and pundits.  With the academy award nominations going out this week, I have another more important topic to discuss.

Were have all the funnymen gone?  I guess they are still stuck in the ‘80s.  While some have argued that the ‘80s was the worst decade ever for music and fashion, there is no doubt that it was the funniest decade for movies, ever!  There is one outlier year* but I will get to that later.  I know lists like this are very subjective and open to significant debate, but let’s take a look at the ‘80s together:

Airplane, Caddyshack, A Christmas Story, Vacation, The Blues Brothers, Trading Places, 48 Hours, Beverly Hills Cop, Coming to America, Ghostbusters, Back to the Future, Planes, Trains and Automobiles, Stripes, Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, History of the World: Part I, Spaceballs, Major League, Fast Times at Ridgemont High, The Naked Gun, Arthur, This is Spinal Tap, The Princess Bride, and Revenge of the Nerds

How can you argue with that list?  What happened to these guys?  Bill Murray, Dan Aykroyd, Eddie Murphy, Steve Martin, Billy Crystal, Chevy Chase…  I know these guys are getting a little long in the tooth, but did they forget how to be funny?  When was the last time one of these guys did anything that even evoked a mild chuckle? 

This is not to say that there haven’t been any funny movies made in the last 22 years, but true comedic classics are few and far between.  The ones that spring to mind are:  The Big Lebowski, There’s Something About Mary, Happy Gilmore, Anchorman, Wedding Crashers and Dodgeball.  But what have Adam Sandler, Bill Stiller, Vince Vaughn, or Will Ferrell done recently that really made you laugh?  For any of you who say yes, I present to you Jack and Jill, The Little Fockers, The Dilema, and The Land of the Lost and say, REALLY?  Bridesmaids and The Hangover were funny, but I wouldn’t call them classics.

With the world ending this year, have we just run out of funny?  When our Dear Leader, Joe Biden, Debbie Wasserman-Schultz, Nancy Pelosi, and Harry Reid make me laugh harder than anyone in Hollywood, it is a sad state of affairs.  Come on Mel… John… Ivan…, don’t you guys have just a few more in you? Please?

*The outlier year is 1974 which gave us Holy Grail, Blazing Saddles, and Young Frankenstein.  Leave it to a few brits and a little Jewish guy to make three of my top five all-time favorite comedies in one year.

1000 Days of Disgrace- The Harry Reid Senate

April 29, 2009 was 1000 days ago.  It was also the last time the U.S. Senate passed a budget.  Under Democrat Harry Reid's (D-NV) leadership, the Senate has abdicated one of its primary responsibilities.  What could be more important in these turbulent times than formulating, debating, and ultimately passing a budget for the national government?  Of all the outrageous inadequacies of Reid's term as Majority Leader, this is the most egregious.  

On May 24, 2011, the Democrat-controlled Senate voted down 4 different budget proposals, one each from Rep. Paul Ryan (R-Wisc), Rep. Pat Toomey (R-Pa), Sen. Rand Paul (R-Ky), and oh yeah, former Senator Barack Obama (D-Il).  Dear Leader's budget proposal was narrowly defeated, 97-0.  Surely with all this nay-saying, the Reid Senate has a plan of its own to guide the United States out of the current fiscal abyss.  You'd think so wouldn't you?  You'd be wrong.  Reid and his merry band of Democrat slackers are more concerned with the political ramifications of the budgeting process than they are the effects of their rampant spending on the U.S. taxpayer.  

Maybe 1000 days isn't enough time for the Senate to formulate and present its own budget plan.  Just how long of a time is 1000 days?  Well, 1000 days is.....

• long enough for McDonalds to sell 9 billion lbs of french fries
• long enough for the Washington Nationals to lose 202 baseball games
• longer than the COMBINED marriages of :
• Drew Barrymore and Tom Green 
• Jennifer Lopez and Chris Judd
• Mario Lopez and Ali Landry
• Britney Spears and Jason Alexander (no, not the Seinfeld guy)
• Renee Zellweger and Kenny Chesney
• Nicholas Cage and Lisa Marie Presley
• Pamela Anderson and Kid Rock
• Michelle Phillips and Dennis Hopper
• Carmen Electra and Dennis Rodman
• Kim Khardashian and Kris Humphries

• and most importantly, long enough for the United States Government to spend 9.7 trillion dollars of Other People's Money. (that is $1,077 for every pound of french fries sold by McDonalds worldwide!)

I'd say it's time for the Reid Senate to get off its collective keister, and get back to the business of the people. Read more about this monumental failure of leadership at the most excellent Heritage Foundation blog, and talk more about it on the Sahib and the Crew Save the World Facebook page.  See you there!

Monday Musings With The Crew

Personally, I think Ken is fabulous!

• Reports from the Associated Press last week indicated that Iran's "morality" police were cracking down on the sale of Barbie dolls, closing some toy stores that carried the Western icon on their shelves amid concerns that the statuesque blonde doll would cause great harm to the impressionable youth of Iran.  Investigators from SACSTW's Tehran bureau are looking into reports that the Barbie dolls are being replaced by Michael Moore inaction figures.  No mention is being made of Iran's morality police cracking down on state-sponsored incineration of innocent men, women, and children.  At least they have their priorities straight.  Interestingly, the AP reports don't mention Ken.....I'm just saying. 

• After whipping presumptive GOP nominee Mitt Romney by 12 points in South Carolina, Newt Gingrich's presidential bid has new life.  During Thursday's debate, Newt adroitly fended off clumsy questioning about his ex-wife's inflammatory statements.  Now I know that Newt is not the paragon of virtue conservatives would like him to be, but since when do scorned ex-wives automatically have bullet-proof credibility and unassailable integrity?  I'll tell you when....when they are criticizing Republicans.  

• Super model Heidi Klum is divorcing Seal after 6 years of marriage, citing the ever popular irreconcilable differences.  Pressed for details, Klum said "I was getting tired of having to throw raw fish to him at the dinner table every night.  All he ever wants to do is lay around and balance balls on his nose".

Mr. Klum in better days

• Last week's Youtube sensation was Winkelhimer, the painting squirrel.  The furry Van Gogh is all the rage in his hometown of Jennings, LA.  Rescued after a cat attack by Shyla Mouton, Winkelhimer has been painting ever since.  His Facebook page has 534 fans as of this writing, only 530 more than the SACSTW page.  Hint, hint SACSTW readers.....  Here is a video of the rodent Rembrandt at work:

Memo to Ms. Mouton....Winkelhimer isn't painting, he is chewing on the end of the brush.  Sorry to burst your bubble.

• As I write this, Billy Cundiff of the Baltimore Ravens has missed a game-tying 32 yard field goal at the end of the AFC championship game, sending the New England Patriots to the Super Bowl.  Never, never, never pin your post-season hopes on a kicker.  

Please join Sahib and I on Facebook, and email your comments and criticisms to sacstw@gmail.com.

Pakistani Elmo, Funny Hats, Mush-brained Kids, and Defecation: Who could ask for more?

 

Wow!  What a fun five months it has been!  When The Crew and I started Sahib and Crew Save the World (SACSTW), we really had no defined expectations other than sharing ridiculous things going on in the world and making each other laugh.  We really hope you have enjoyed reading our posts and that we have made you laugh too.  If you accidentally learned something, we are sorry.  It wasn’t intentional.

This week has included a few milestones for us.  We topped 6000 views on our blog, published our 100^th blog post, went over 300 followers on Twitter, sent more than 5000 tweets, and created a SACSTW Facebook page.  Modest accomplishments for many, but we are proud of them.  More importantly, we have infiltrated Karl Rove’s secret lair, built a time machine, and assembled a team of 100s of imaginary reporters, photographers, scientists, and confidential informants.  So in honor of our myriad accomplishments, we thought we would give you a blast from the past of our favorite posts.

The Crew favorites:

Sahib post ~ Raising a Nation of Mush-brained Wusses – This is one of my favorites as well.  It was remembering more than writing.

Crew post ~ Joint News Release- Ministries of Funny Hats and Indeterminate Spelling – I think Princess B had to be the big winner in that contest

Sahib favorites:

The Crew post ~ Jihad Me Elmo – Our new ambassador to Pakistan…

Sahib post ~ Ich Bin Ein Defecator: New Rally Cries for the Occupy “Movement” – I got to quote (sort of) JFK and Blazing Saddles, and make fun of Alec Baldwin, Susan Sarandon, spoiled rich girls, and moonbat lefty protestors.  I slept the sleep of the righteous that night.

We hope you enjoy our trip down memory-lane.  Feel free to dig through our archives, there’s lots of good stuff you might have missed.  Make sure to click on the Facebook "Like" button to add our Facebook page to your profile, if Facebook is your thing.

O'Reilly Harpoons "Moby" Dick Harpootlian on MLK Day Hypocrisy

Like Melville's Ahab, Bill O'Reilly buried a harpoon deep in the bloated belly of southern Democrats on his show that aired on Martin Luther King Day this week.  As veteran SACSTW readers know, one of our favorite themes is skewering the hypocrisy of the left, and it has never been done better than Officer O'Reilly did on Monday evening.

Let's set the stage.  As we all know, the GOP held a debate in South Carolina on MLK day.  This caused great offense and consternation to Dick Harpootlian, the chairman of the South Carolina state Democratic Party.  If the name sounds familiar, he is the guy who made these reasoned and thoughtful comments about the GOP primary season on Megan Kelly's show:

So, the chairman of the state Democratic Party of South Carolina isn't worried about offending vertically challenged voters because  "I don't think they can reach the machine....".  You know, the sensitivity and compassion of the left is striking.  But I digress.

On Monday, Harpootlian made it clear that he thought by holding a debate on MLK day, the GOP was ignoring Dr. King's birthday, and showing its racism and disregard for the black voters in South Carolina.  Officer O'Reilly asked (rather gently I might add) Moby Dick if he knew what happened on MLK day in 2008.  After much stammering and dodging, Harpootlian grudgingly admitted that the Democratic Party held a Presidential debate on MLK day in 2008, sponsored by the Congressional Black Caucus.  So, to review,
Democrats debating on MLK day GOOD, Republicans debating on MLK day RACIST and OFFENSIVE.

As I have mentioned before (referring to Mitt Romney in fact), the best way to evaulate these talking heads is to look for those little moments when they drop their guard (although I'm not sure Harpootlian has one) and say something that illuminates the dark recesses of their core philosophy.  Harpootlian did just that when his conversation with O'Reilly turned to the presidential election of 1860.  Incredibly, Moby Dick said that GOP candidates Rick Santorum and Newt Gingrich were injecting race into the 2012 election by referring to it as "the most important election since 1860".

What happened in the presidential election of 1860?  Americans elected a Republican President who guided the nation through its most turbulent years, preserved the United States for future generations, and oh yeah, freed millions of blacks from the chains of slavery.  Those are plain, simple facts that can not be disputed by anyone.  Harpootlian's comment on the election of 1860...."We in the South have a little different version of what happened in 1860".  Wow, even for the jaded and cynical Crew it was hard to believe he admitted that.
Behind those words lurks the dark and twisted soul of the Democrat Party.

I'm guessing that the South Carolina Democratic Party Chairman's "version" of what happened in 1860 goes something like this:

That damn cracker Lincoln came in and stole the election away from mah man John Breckinridge!  Then he told us God-fearin Southerners that we couldn't keep those blacks (probably not the word he was thinking) in our fields anymore, and we ended up having to pick our own damn cotton!

Here is the video from the O'Reilly factor- see for yourself what the Democrat Party of South Carolina thinks: