Cavernous Trachea Strikes Again! Obama Letter to Karl Marx

Just when The Crew and I had thought we had heard the last of Cavernous Trachea, it happened again.  I was pulling the daily school planner out of Sahib Jr.'s backpack and I found an envelope addressed to SACSTW.  In the envelope was a letter with a post-it-note on it.  The post-it-note said, "Hello gentlemen!  Here is the latest missive from Dear Leader Obama to his hero and inspiration, Karl Marx.  Enjoy! Your friend, CT "  This was the letter enclosed:

Dear Karl,

I don't care what anyone says!  I did NOT have another "episode".  Maybe my celebration was a little excessive, but once again my actions were misinterpreted.  I probably shouldn't have done my Yosemite Sam imitation, snatched that Secret Service agent's gun out of his holster, and started shooting holes into the ceiling of the Oval Office, but I was just so darn excited.  Things are really starting to come together.  

Joe hasn't said anything incredibly stupid in the last 24 hours. (I wonder if he's in the country.) Moochelle is planning another vacation and is going to be on Leno so she hasn't been nagging me about smoking.  The republicans are beating the crap out of each other in the primaries.  Breitbart's death has delayed the release of his "Obama Gone Wild" video series at least for a while.  Life is good!  But you know what Karl?  That's not what really has me revved up.  I have accomplished two things I thought would never happen in my presidency. 

My two biggest enemies, Rush Limbaugh and Benjamin Netanyahu, have really screwed the pooch.  I think I've really snowed Bibi about Iran.  I think I've lulled him into complacency by repeating "Give negotiations a chance! Give sanctions a chance!" over and over again.  I never thought he would buy it, but I believe he has.  He has to keep the rhetoric up to assuage his constituency, but I think I can stall him long enough that Iran will have nukes before Israel feels they have to preemptively strike.  I am SO smart.  But he's just the little Satan.  I've scored my biggest victory against the Great Satan, Rush Limbaugh.

I can't believe Rush fell for DNC plant, "23" year old Sandra Fluke.  I mean it was SOOOO obvious.  She's a Cornell graduate for Pete's sake, and that's where I "went" to college. (Hee, hee, hee) Wait, no, I "went" to Columbia.  Oh well, whatever.  She was perfect with her "cherished" friend who lost her ovary due to the pernicious policies of the Georgetown administration.  I can't believe no one thought to ask why such a champion of female contraceptive rights wouldn't chip in a few bucks a month to help a "cherished" friend in dire medical straights. Or why didn't her anonymous friend go to Planned Parenthood or any of the multiple free clinics in DC?  Stupid conservatives.  And then Rush takes the bait hook, line, and sinker by calling her a slut and prostitute.  I couldn't get the talking points off the Media Matters fast enough.  Five dollar a gallon gas, trafficking guns to Mexican drug cartels, the Volt going belly up, more "green" energy companies propped up by federal loans failing, who cares?  Rush obliquely called someone a slut.  This has been the best week ever.

Well Karl, I have to go.  The doctors won't give me any more of those B12 shots that make me feel so good.  Eric Holder has to sneak them to me down in the kitchen.  If I don't take them, my unicorn, Stanley, doesn't show up for our evening rides on the South Lawn.  Thanks for letting me share my awesome news with you.

Your friend, 

Barry

 I dug through Sahib Jr.'s backpack looking for more clues as to the identity of Cavernous Trachea.  All I found were some gumdrops in the bottom of his backpack.  Sahib Jr. hates gumdrops.  Hmmmmm....

Is Obama an Idiot? (about Iran)

I've decided that my oldest son, Sahib Jr., should be the Secretary of State.  Being as he is only 12, we could have potential child labor issues, but he definitely would cut through the crap.  He asked me the other day, "Dad, what's all this stuff about Iran and atomic bombs?"  He did a National History Day project on the bombing of Hiroshima and Nagasaki and is interested in the topic.  I outlined the situation and asked his opinion.  He replied, "They're stalling."  I asked him to explain.  He said, "It's like in wrestling when I'm up big on a stronger kid late in the match.  As long as I don't do something dumb and get pinned, I'm gonna win.  So I stall.  That's what they are doing."

And there you have it devoted readers... wisdom from the mouths of babes.  (Please no one tell him I referred to him as a "babe"!)  The question I have is that if a 12 year old (albeit geopolitically brilliant one like his old man) can figure it out, why can't the president backed by the "genius" of the State Department?  I know you lefties out there have changed your mantra of  "Give Peace a Chance!" from the '60s to "Give Sanctions a Chance!" today.  Just one question:  When have sanctions worked?  EVER? Hmmmmmmmmm?

Which can only leave us with one of two conclusions:

1. The President and his advisers are idiots.
2. They have some reason to help Iran stall an attack from Israel until they have a working atomic bomb.

Either of these possibilities scares the peewaden out of me.  Here's to hoping the following video is an analogy for what Israel is about to do to Iran.  The big kid (Israel) restrains himself for fear of getting in trouble with the teachers (US, Europe, Russia, et. al.).  The little a**hole kid (Iran) keeps picking on the big kid (Israel) "knowing" he won't fight back.  Enjoy viewing the results.

Hopefully the "cut the crap" wisdom of kids will trump the politically correct stupidity of adults.

Death to Great Satans Bart and Barbie!

The Great Satan!

The Not-So-Great Satan!

The United States and Israel move over!  Your reigns of satanhood are over.  The Killer Bs have dethroned you.  Bart and Barbie are haraam.  

Mohammad Hossein Farjoo

The delightfully monikered  Mohammad Hossein Farjoo (I can only assume the surname Farjoo is derived from his desired proximity to people of the Hebrew persuasion...) has declared both Bart Simpson and Barbie VERBOTTEN!  Mr. Farjoo's full title is "Secretary for Policy-making at the Institute for the Intellectual Development of Children and Young Adults in Tehran" or Burgerneister Meisterburger for short. BM Farjoo has proclaimed that Barbie and Bart are "illegal, unmoral, unlawful, and anyone found with a toy in his possession will be placed under arrest and thrown in the dungeon. No kidding!"  The children of Sombertown... errr Tehran will have to really, REALLY want a Bart or Barbie toy for Ramadan.

But not to worry, BM Farjoo says that all-American action heroes are still welcome in Iran.  His institute specifically plans on ordering  50,000 David Duke action figures for 2012! *Burning crosses and stars of David sold separately.  I might be going out on a limb here, but I would think that the children of Iran would like to quote Bart and tell BM Farjoo to "Eat My Shorts!"

You can read more about Burgermeister Meisterburger Farjoo here.

Monday Musings With The Crew

Personally, I think Ken is fabulous!

• Reports from the Associated Press last week indicated that Iran's "morality" police were cracking down on the sale of Barbie dolls, closing some toy stores that carried the Western icon on their shelves amid concerns that the statuesque blonde doll would cause great harm to the impressionable youth of Iran.  Investigators from SACSTW's Tehran bureau are looking into reports that the Barbie dolls are being replaced by Michael Moore inaction figures.  No mention is being made of Iran's morality police cracking down on state-sponsored incineration of innocent men, women, and children.  At least they have their priorities straight.  Interestingly, the AP reports don't mention Ken.....I'm just saying. 

• After whipping presumptive GOP nominee Mitt Romney by 12 points in South Carolina, Newt Gingrich's presidential bid has new life.  During Thursday's debate, Newt adroitly fended off clumsy questioning about his ex-wife's inflammatory statements.  Now I know that Newt is not the paragon of virtue conservatives would like him to be, but since when do scorned ex-wives automatically have bullet-proof credibility and unassailable integrity?  I'll tell you when....when they are criticizing Republicans.  

• Super model Heidi Klum is divorcing Seal after 6 years of marriage, citing the ever popular irreconcilable differences.  Pressed for details, Klum said "I was getting tired of having to throw raw fish to him at the dinner table every night.  All he ever wants to do is lay around and balance balls on his nose".

Mr. Klum in better days

• Last week's Youtube sensation was Winkelhimer, the painting squirrel.  The furry Van Gogh is all the rage in his hometown of Jennings, LA.  Rescued after a cat attack by Shyla Mouton, Winkelhimer has been painting ever since.  His Facebook page has 534 fans as of this writing, only 530 more than the SACSTW page.  Hint, hint SACSTW readers.....  Here is a video of the rodent Rembrandt at work:

Memo to Ms. Mouton....Winkelhimer isn't painting, he is chewing on the end of the brush.  Sorry to burst your bubble.

• As I write this, Billy Cundiff of the Baltimore Ravens has missed a game-tying 32 yard field goal at the end of the AFC championship game, sending the New England Patriots to the Super Bowl.  Never, never, never pin your post-season hopes on a kicker.  

Please join Sahib and I on Facebook, and email your comments and criticisms to sacstw@gmail.com.

2013 Obama Interview: A Peek into the Future

Chris's legs have lost that loving feeling...

The SACSTW Physics Department having completed work on its time machine prototype has had its very first glimpse into the future.  We have some bad news and some great news.  The bad news is the first message from the future is a Chris Matthews’ interview with Obama.  The great news is that Obama lost the 2012 election.  The following is a partial transcript of the interview from February 1, 2013:

CM:  Mr. President, thank you very much for your time.  In know this must be a difficult time for you.
BO:  …………………….
CM:  Mr. President?
BO:  ……………………
CM:  Mr. President, I know you are upset.  Please talk to me.
BO:  Oh, hi Chris.  I didn’t notice you there.  When did you come in?
CM:  Mr. President, we have been setting up for an hour.
BO:  Oh, sorry.  Hey!  Since when have you been in a wheelchair?
CM:  **Sob** It happened on election night.  When the early election returns looked favorable for you, my legs were tingling and jumping around like Charlie Sheen on a three day meth bender.  But when you gave your concession speech 15 minutes later, they went completely numb.  I haven’t had feeling in them since.  But enough about me… How are you getting along now that you are out of office?
BO:  ……………………
CM:  Mr. President?
BO:  Sorry Chris.  Since when have you been in a wheelchair?
CM:  Don’t worry about my troubles Mr. President.  How are YOU doing?
BO:  Well Chris, to be honest… not so hot.  The girls aren’t speaking to me, I’ve had to eat that crap the Michelle tried to force on school kids, and Reggie won’t return my calls.  I think he’s found someone new.  And you know the worst part Chris?
CM:  What’s that Mr. President?
BO:  I’ve only been able to play about 15 rounds of golf!
CM:  But Mr. President, you’ve only been out of office 11 days…
BO:  Yes, but they’ve all been rounds on **sob**, local courses!
CM:  The horror!
BO:  Warren and George have been making fun of me.
*editor’s note:  Warren Buffett and George Soros
CM: So how do you think the new president will fare?
BO:  How will he fare?!?! HOW WILL HE FARE!?!?  He’s friggin Tim Tebow!
CM:  I know, it is a little amazing…
BO:  Amazing?  AMAZING?  Friggin miraculous is what it is… if I believed in that sort of thing.  The guy farts unicorns and pukes lollipops.  First he wins the Super Bowl**, and then his fans get the 28th amendment to the constitution passed in six weeks lowering the minimum age for the presidency, and then the day after he is inaugurated Iran surrenders to Israel!  Gas prices are down, unemployment is down, Obamacare has been repealed, and the republicans balanced the budget in six days!
CM:  I know, it’s very disturbing.
BO:  If things keep going like this, Tebow and the republicans will have America an unassailable superpower again by the end of the year.  HE”S UNDOING EVERYTHING WE WORKED FOR!
CM:  Mr. President. please calm down.  You are going to give yourself a heart attack.
BO:  I won’t calm down!  And the running mate he picked!  I can’t believe he picked……..

At this point, the SACSTW time machine prototype experienced technical difficulties.  Once our scientists get it back up and running, we’ll try and get you the rest of the interview.  Suffice it to say, we were very encouraged by what we heard.  It just goes to show you how bad Obama is that Sahib and the Crew would prefer a Florida Gator/ Denver Broncos quarterback over Obama.

*Sahib and the Crew would like to thank our good friend and Crew Member Emeritus Brian @Holyfield67 for the idea for this post.  We hope you enjoy it Brian!


**Sahib and the Crew are not responsible for gambling losses based on SACSTW time machine predictions.  Sahib and the Crew do however expect a 10% vig on any gambling wins based on SACSTW time machine predictions.  We're kind of like the IRS that way....