Our Next Surgeon General: Barbara Bellar

Dr. Bellar is as accurate as she is funny.  If Romney wins she should at the very least be the next Surgeon General if not Secretary of HHS.

Cavernous Trachea Bombshell! Is Obama the Antichrist?

Last night as I was (belatedly) preparing my motorcycle for the riding season, I opened a saddlebag to store my new registration and proof of insurance.  In the bottom was a USB flash drive with a note attached.  It said: "Dear Sahib and The Crew, I have gone to great lengths risking life and limbs to provide you with this audio recording of Dear Leader Obama and his inner circle.  Please share this with your readers.  The world must know!  Your friend, CT."  I immediately contacted The Crew. Below is a transcript of what we heard.  It is truly terrifying.

BHO:  Welcome everyone.  Before we get started, what does everyone think of my new tat?  What?  Isn't it obvious?  It's Warren Buffet and George Soros making out.  Pretty cool huh?  

OK, let's get down to business.  I've come up with a plan that will accomplish the vast majority of our goals in one fell swoop.  Yes Joe?  No you can't turn on the Cartoon Network.  Please pay attention.  Like I was saying, I have a new plan.  Here are the basics:

• It isn't fair that income tax is the only tax that is progressive, so we are making all taxes progressive.

• Charitable contributions to groups and organizations deemed discriminatory will be taxed.  The people making the charitable contributions will pay the tax, not the group or organization receiving the contributions.

• Financial transactions using currency and precious metals is out-dated and difficult for us to track.  I am eliminating physical US currency and making private ownership of precious metals illegal.  

Those are the basics.  We increase the number of people dependent on government support and play on their class envy by showing we are making the rich pay their fair share. This will also choke off funds to groups we find offensive and cause them to fade into oblivion. The masses will love it!  We'll be in power forever. Questions?  Yes Tim.

Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner (TG):   I get the gist of your plan, but am a little concerned how you plan to implement it.  Does everyone get like a government debit card that has their tax bracket and access to their financial accounts?  If so, how do we keep rich people from paying poor people to buy stuff for them using their lower bracket cards?  Also, what kind of groups would be considered "discriminatory"?

BHO:  Excellent questions Tim!  This is the beauty of my plan.  There are no cards. Each person has a programmable chip with their information embedded in their right hand.  If they don't have a right hand, it's embedded in their forehead.   No person-to-person financial transactions are allowed.  All payments for goods and services go through a federal transaction system.  Any suspicious transactions will be flagged and investigated. Violators will be imprisoned. 

As to your question about which groups would be considered discriminatory, the usual suspects.  You know the Boy Scouts, evangelical Christian denominations, the Salvation Army, the RNC etcetera, etcetera. Anyone else?  Yes, Hillary. 

Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton (HRC):  I'm a little concerned about public response to your plan. Having been often referred to as Lucifer's mistress, usually by Bill but by others as well, I am uniquely sensitive to certain religious parallels being drawn.  Aren't you worried about people referring to the chips as "the mark of the beast"?

Deep, slow, chuckle from BHO

BHO:  I'm sure there will be a few religious whackos that will make that comparison, but it's not like we're making everyone get 666 tattoos. (Another chuckle) Next question. Yes, Debbie. 

DNC Chairperson Debbie Wasserman-Schultz (DWS):  How did you come up with the plan and what are you going to call the new federal agency to oversee it?

BHO:  The plan was told to me by the voice behind the glowing red... I mean I thought of it myself. The new agency will be called the department of  State Annuity Transactions And Numeration.

Well, that's enough questions for this evening.  We'll iron out the details later.  Stanley's (Obama's unicorn) been waiting patiently this whole time for our evening ride on the South Lawn.

This was the end of the recording.  After listening to the recording with The Crew, and waiting for my terror level to diminish, I went back out to my motorcycle to look for more clues as to CT's identity.  I noticed some drops of liquid that at first looked like motor oil.  On closer inspection, it was oil, but not motor oil.  I'm no expert, but I think it was crude oil.  Hmmmmm...

The Question No Liberal Will Answer: How Much?

After a particularly invigorating evisceration of a liberal in the comment section of a news article, I was motivated to write this post.  The article was in today's Kansas City Star and was titled, "Families Tackle Food Stamp Challenge. Eating on $4.50 a Day".  My problem with the articled was that it was incredibly misleading as to the actual level of assistance received by food stamp recipients.  The actual amount is $4.50 per day per person.  For a family of six, that is $756.00 a month.  We don't spend half that monthly in my family and we do not qualify for free school lunches like all food stamp recipients would.

After bashing him about the head and shoulders for a round or two of comments, I cut to the chase and asked him:

HOW MUCH?

How much of what I make should the government "allow" me to keep?  GIVE ME A NUMBER.  What percentage of what I earn should I be "allowed" to keep?

He accused me of changing the topic, so I answered all his questions and asked mine again.  He responded with: 

"I don't know what I think you should be 'allowed to keep'.  I'm not an economist, but I do know for a fact that of all the money you pay in taxes most of it doesn't pay for food stamps."

And there you have it devoted readers, the typical non-answer I get from liberals every time I ask that question and I've asked it dozens of times.  The next specific number I get will be the first.

You might ask, "But why of why will they not answer your question Sahib?  You are so soft-spoken and kind!"  Here it is.... The big liberal secret..... A liberal will NEVER.. EVER...  give you a number or percentage of your earnings you should be "allowed" to keep because....

They want to maintain the ability to always TAKE MORE.

That's their big secret.  Spread the word.  And if any of you reading are liberals, please feel free to shoot me a number.  There's always a first time for everything.

Dear Karl: Obama Letters to Karl Marx

As the Crew and I were leaving the SACSTW secret underground command bunker one recent afternoon, we heard a slight scuffling noise behind us.  With cat-like reflexes we spun and drew down on a shadowy figure lingering behind a tree.  In an obviously digitally altered voice he/she said, “You have nothing to fear from me.  In fact, I have something that might interest you greatly.”  At this point, the figure tossed a bundle of what appeared to be papers at our feet.  “What’s that?”  The Crew Asked.  “Letters.  Letters from Obama to his hero” the figure replied.  “Who’s his hero?” I asked.  “Just read the letters.  They explain everything.”  As the figure disappeared in the fog I yelled after him/her, “Who are you?”  The figure replied, “Just call me… Cavernous Trachea” and he/she was gone. 

The Crew and I quickly repaired to the command center to read the letters.  This is the first one:

“Dear Karl,
 I don’t know why I’m writing you.  This seems silly.  The doctors are totally over-reacting to my little ‘episode’.  I mean everybody needs to blow off steam once in a while right?  Running naked though the West Wing screaming, “Spiders!  Spiders are eating my brain!” was just my way of blowing off steam.  And I really wasn’t going to impale Joe Biden on that fireplace poker.  I was just messing with him.  Nobody can take a joke around here.

 So I guess writing you is supposed to be a more ‘reasonable’ way to deal with my frustrations.  They told me to write a letter to my biggest hero and most influential person in my life.  You were my first and only choice.  So Karl, help me out here.  Everyone’s against me.  Moochelle (she almost caught me calling her that) has been on a spending spree that would make Paris Hilton jealous, Reggie abandoned me, the republicans are catching on to my tricks, and I think my new Mao Zedong tat is infected.  I can’t put any weight on my left cheek at all.  Everyone around me is bummed too.  Even my best buddy, Mr. Teleprompter, is off his game.  Last week in my state of the union address, he just kept repeating the same exact lines from his…  I mean my old speeches.  And the worst thing… no one in my entire administration can think of a  single new euphemism for taxes.  We’ve used them all up.  Darn that vast right-wing conspiracy for trying to wake the chumps… I mean people, up.

 You know what Karl?  I think the doctors were right.  I do feel better!  I’m sure it has nothing to do with that shot they gave me about 20 minutes ago.  They told me it was just a B12 booster for energy.  Oh well, I better go. Stanley, my pet unicorn, just came into my bedroom.  It’s time for our ride on the South Lawn.
 I’ll write you again soon!

Your friend,
Barry”

After reading the letter, The Crew and I went outside to where we had seen the shadowy figure to look for clues as to his/her identity.  The leaves and brush were disturbed where the figure had been standing, but we saw nothing else.  As we were walking away, The Crew exclaimed, “Hey!  What’s that?”  He picked up what looked like piece of scrap paper.  On closer inspection we discovered it was a receipt:

Agent Provocateur

133 Mercer St.

New York, NY 10012

$47,356.78

Hmmmmm….

*Editor's note:  Another great idea brought to you by SACSTW creative consultant Brian Holyfield - @Holyfield67

Chuck Woolery: Don't Cut Critical Programs!

Great patriot Chuck Woolery examines government programs we just can't afford to cut!  We have to keep those Chinese hookers sober! Required viewing...



If not chairman of the Fed, how about Newt's Chief of Staff?

Please Don't Feed the OPM Addicts

Article first published as Please Don't Feed the OPM Addicts on Technorati.

What is this thing you call "work" ?

On my way home from work....Wait, let's stop right there. For you Ocupato Mafia types currently befouling the streets and parks of our great nation, "work" means leaving your parent's basement early in the morning, going somewhere else and doing something that others value for many hours, then going back home to your family. In return for this "work", others who place value on your time, talents, and knowledge will compensate you financially. Cool huh?

Now that we are all on the same page, I was driving home from work yesterday listening to the local AM blatherfest. Caller Steve was talking to the pseudo-conservative show hosts. Poor Steve just couldn't understand why people raise such a fuss when their taxes go up. He claimed to have an income around $800,000 and to pay about $250,000 to the federal government this year. He "would gladly pay $280,000 if his taxes went up, just to support this great country". The hosts then asked Steve why he didn't just go ahead and send that extra 30K each year to support his beloved federal government. "Well", stammered Stevie, "it wouldn't do any good for just me to do that".

Steve is just like every career politician in Washington, hooked on OPM. Easy to spend, easy to steal, Other People's Money is the most addictive, most destructive substance in our country today. Just like tweakers and cokeheads, OPM addicts steal to support their habit. At least Mary Methhead has the decency to pilfer your stuff behind your back, OPM addicts are a little more brash. They can be seen on every media outlet in the country, clamoring for just another fix, just another few percentage points of your precious supply.

Well, you know what dude? I am all tapped out.