Monday Musings With The Crew

Now that chicken-palooza has died down a little bit, on with the countdown!

• Another mass shooting took place yesterday at a Sikh temple near Milwaukee, WI.  Six people were killed and four wounded before police shot and killed the suspect, 40 year old Wade Michael Page.  Page, described as a U.S. Army veteran with "white-supremacist" tattoos, apparently lived in nearby Cudahy, WI.  This will probably turn out to be misdirected craziness by another ignorant mouthbreather, Sikhs have been targeted by anti-Islamists frequently since 9/11.  One interesting sidebar is how quickly this shooting was labeled "domestic terrorism" by government officials.  Contrast that with the 2009 killing of 13 people at Fort Hood by an "allahu akbar" shouting radical Islamist Nidal Hassan.  Almost 3 years later, that massacre is still officially just "workplace violence".  

That's not how Harry rides Stanley

• So I just got off the phone with a highly placed staffer in Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid's office this morning.  Under strict conditions of anonymity, he told me that Senator Reid regularly forces himself on Stanley, Barack Obama's favorite unicorn late at night in the White House stables.  Evidently the violated Stanley was overheard by a stable boy pleading "Please stop Senator, I vote NEIGHHHHH" !  Don't believe me?  I have just as much evidence of Reid's unicoupling as he does for his claim that Mitt Romney hasn't paid any taxes over the last 10 years.  Reid's pathetic and immoral rumour mongering on the floor of the U.S. Senate (where he is immune from any blowback) is another example of one of the left's favorite mantras....."it's not the nature of the evidence, it's the seriousness of the charge".  Just ask Clarence Thomas, the Duke lacrosse team, Steven Pagones, Stanley, the list is endless.  

• Oft-cited by anti-voter ID wonks, the Brennan Center for Justice claims 11% of eligible voters do not have a government issued photo ID.  Okey dokey, let's run some numbers for the state of Kansas.  Kansas passed a voter ID law in the last few months which has its first trial run with tomorrow's election.  There are 1.7 million registered voters in Kansas.  Let's round down to 10% to make the numbers easy....that means as many as 170,000 voters in Kansas don't have photo ID.  Obviously the  DMV offices in Kansas have been flooded with tens of thousands of voters seeking a FREE photo ID.  But wait Crew you say, some of those voters have no way to get to the DMV for the free ID.  OK, let's say that 90% of those 170,000 Kansans are incapable of getting to an office for their ID.  That still leaves 17,000 beating down the doors for their ID.  Um, not exactly.  Of those 170,000 Kansas voters that the Brennan Center claims are out there, a grand total of 32 have taken Kansas up on the offer of a free ID.  

• The good news is that the Mars Rover landed safely on the red planet late last night.  The bad news is that Barack Obama wasn't on it.  

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Obama Letter to Karl Marx: Cavernous Trachea is Back!

Tonight after Sahib Jr. Jr.'s baseball game, I picked up his bat bag to put his mitt away.  In the bottom I found the now familiar envelope with a note attached.  It said:  "Things are getting tense in the White House. Obama is starting to lose it. Here's his latest letter to Karl M.  Your friend, CT".  This was the letter:

Dear Karl,

Where to begin?  Who can blame me for going after Joe this time?  I mean who hasn't, in a fit of anger, at least once grabbed a rocket launcher from a Secret Service agent and taken a shot at their bane of existence?  I'm having to dictate this letter to my faithful unicorn, Stanley, because they've tucked me into bed kind of tight.  The doctors said something about not untucking me until I read some new Marvel comic.  I think they said it was about Thor.  Kind of a catchy title.  They called it a Thorazine.  

I just don't know what has happened.  My life has gone in the crapper faster than a Kim Kardashian marriage. One minute all the Republican candidates are beating on each other like British soccer hooligans after a loss to France, and the next I'm trailing Mitt Romney in the polls by three points!  

Things were looking so good.  My dear fictitious children, Sandra Fluke and Trayvon Martin, were providing me great press opportunities and deflecting the attention of the proletariat masses from the crippling debt, massive unemployment, and horrible economy with which I have gifted the country.  I was being celebrated for the one year anniversary of my killing of Osama Bin Laden.  And I had just about convinced everyone that the Buffet Rule would correct the rich not paying their "fair share".  Now look what's happened.  Has anyone ever has as bad as luck as me?  (I think it's a Rush Limbaugh plot!)

• The unedited photos of George Zimmerman leaked out showing the gashes on the back of his head. 

• The right-wing media found out that Sandra Fluke really wasn't a doe-eyed 24 year old co-ed, but a 30 year old feminist activist. 

• Charlie Sheen took my Secret Service agents out for a night on the town in Columbia. 

• Eric Holder is getting reamed in the congressional hearings over Fast and Furious. 

• The American public seems to think that Seal Team 6 was responsible for Osama Bin Laden's demise and not me. 

•  Some moron left the mike on when I was visiting with my good buddy Dmitry Medvedev about how "flexible" I can be after next year's election.

• Village idiot Joe Biden can't wait for the convention to unveil my support of gay marriage.

• People have figured out that we're fudging the numbers on unemployment and it's really not going down.

• Someone noticed my creative editing of the official White House presidential biographies  where I've added my fantastic accomplishment to every president's bio since Calvin Coolidge. (Ford doesn't count since he was never actually elected.)

Why is everyone conspiring against me?  I just can't be a one term president.  Maybe I can start another war.  It worked for Bush.  Oh well, I better go.  Those pretty colors swirling around the ceiling are too much fun to ignore.  Thanks for being there for me Karl!

Your friend,

Barry

As usual, I checked the surrounding area for clues as to Cavernous Trachea's identity.  I did find one strange thing.  Hoof-prints near the dugout.  Hmmmm.....

Are You Fracking Kidding Me? EPA Terrorism

Obama's War on Domestic Oil and Gas Production

As my and The Crew's support for all causes environmental and all regulations federal is legendary, the title of today's post may come somewhat as a surprise.  Devoted readers may not know we are both charter members of the following organizations:

• PETA - People for the Eating of Tasty Animals
• Sierra Club - GMC Sierra 1 ton pickup truck owners group
• WWF - The World Wrestling Federation
• Greenpiece - The group promoting the camouflage of all weapons 

That being said, The Crew and I are completely dumbfounded that our Dear Leader and his legion of green-shirted thugs at the EPA would stoop to disingenuity, fabrication, intimidation, threats, and outright lies to increase federal control of private industry and forward his green agenda.

Senator Inhofe of Oklahoma spoke to these issues on the senate floor.  You can read the transcript of his wonderful speech here.  It is well worth reading in its entirety, but here are some of the highlights:

• EPA official Al Armendariz explains his regulatory enforcement:   "I was in a meeting once and I gave an analogy to my staff about my philosophy of enforcement, and I think it was probably a little crude and maybe not appropriate for the meeting but I'll go ahead and tell you what I said.  It was kind of like how the Romans used to conquer little villages in the Mediterranean.  They'd go into a little Turkish town somewhere, they'd find the first five guys they saw and they would crucify them.  And then you know that town was really easy to manage for the next few years."
• Since hydraulic fracturing or "fracking" began in 1949, there has not been one documented scientifically proven case of fracking causing groundwater or well contamination.
• Cases in Wyoming, Texas, and Pennsylvania where the EPA issued "emergency orders" and made grandiose "revelations" to the media about fracking pollution before investigations were complete.  In all three cases, no contamination was found.  In all three cases, the orders were rescinded late on Friday evenings when congress was in recess.
• In the Texas case, the EPA filed a complaint in federal district court to fine gas company Range Resources $16,500 per day per violation of the EPA orders.
• These cases have held up, for two years, the development of the Marcellus Shale gas fields in Pennsylvania.  It is thought to be the third largest natural gas deposit in the world.

It is an election year and fuel prices are more than double what they were when our Dear Leader took office.  For political expediency, he is all for domestic oil and gas.  We just aren't allowed to remove it from the earth.

WAIT!!!! This just in from the Obama administration.  Our Dear Leader has developed a "green" method for extracting oil and gas from the earth.  It is pictured below:

Obama EPA approved oil extraction method...

Cavernous Trachea: New Obama Letter to Karl Marx

During my routine vehicle check for tracking and listening devices as I was leaving the SACSTW secret underground command bunker yesterday, I saw an object sitting on the driver's seat.  I had the SACSTW Robotics lab bring up the bomb robot to check it out.  Once the bomb analysis proved negative, the Crew and I examined the object.  It was a book with a note attached and several hand-written sheets of paper inside.  The note simply said, "Another letter from Obama to his hero Karl Marx.  Enjoy!  Your friend, Cavernous Trachea."  So devoted readers, we submit for your reading pleasure President Obama's most recent missive to his hero Karl Marx.

"Dear Karl,
The doctors are making me write to you again.  Apparently, they feel I had another 'episode'.  So while I am waiting for my latest B12 shot to kick in (I'm really starting to like them), they asked me to write you another letter.  

Everyone is REALLY overreacting this time.  It was just a simple misunderstanding.  With Herman Cain out of the game, I figured I would co-opt his 999 tax plan as my own. As you know from my last letter, Mr. Teleprompter has really been letting me down lately.  So to help me remember the numbers, I had 999 tattooed on my wrist.  All I have to do is pull up my sleeve a little and sneak a peak when I need one. 

Well Karl, that brings us to today.  It was too cold to play golf so me and my buds went down to the DC CYO to shoot a little hoop.  (For some reason everyone down there was giving me dirty looks.)  After the game, the priest who runs the place wanted to have a few words with me.  Something about contraceptives blah, blah, blah, freedom of religion blah, blah, blah.  So he looks down at my wrist and starts freaking out.  Before the Secret Service agents can react, he pulls a bottle out of his pocket and throws some sort of liquid on me. I don't care what anyone says!  I did NOT writhe on the ground screaming 'It burns! It burns!"  I simply slipped on the 'holy' water (I don't believe the lab results, I think it was some kind of acid.) and twisted my ankle.  I was calmly telling everyone "It turned.  It turned." 

Karl, why are the Catholics getting so worked up about everything?  Heck, you said religion is the opium of the people.  I thought they'd be so doped up that they wouldn't notice my little end-around the constitution.  Even Joe and the Notre Dame administration weren't with me on that one.  Don't they understand that I know what's best for them?  Ingrates... 

I just feel so alone.  I know the republicans hate my guts, but Harry Reid won't even bring my new budget to a vote. All it takes is a simple majority to pass and the republicans can't filibuster it.  Besides, I worked really really hard on it.  

I guess I still have my friends at Media Matters.  I got the idea for our weekly strategy sessions from LBJ and McNamara during Viet Nam.  I can count on them to get my message out correctly to the major news outlets.  I've given up on Fox though, I don't think they'll ever come around.  Maybe I can get Murdoch deported...

I'll always have you Karl, and of course Stanley*.  He should be around soon for our evening ride on the South Lawn.  I will be better.  I promise to try and maintain my composure even when Joe provokes me.  I can't believe he didn't think it was funny when I switched his Bible for the Koran before the prayer breakfast.  There's Stanley now.  Have to go.

Your devoted friend,
Barry"

After reading Obama's latest letter, the Crew asked, "Check out the book!  Maybe it has more clues as to Cavernous Trachea's identity."  At this point I noticed the title, "Plagiarism for Dummies", hmmmmmmm.

*Stanley is President Obama's pet unicorn.

Dear Karl: Obama Letters to Karl Marx

As the Crew and I were leaving the SACSTW secret underground command bunker one recent afternoon, we heard a slight scuffling noise behind us.  With cat-like reflexes we spun and drew down on a shadowy figure lingering behind a tree.  In an obviously digitally altered voice he/she said, “You have nothing to fear from me.  In fact, I have something that might interest you greatly.”  At this point, the figure tossed a bundle of what appeared to be papers at our feet.  “What’s that?”  The Crew Asked.  “Letters.  Letters from Obama to his hero” the figure replied.  “Who’s his hero?” I asked.  “Just read the letters.  They explain everything.”  As the figure disappeared in the fog I yelled after him/her, “Who are you?”  The figure replied, “Just call me… Cavernous Trachea” and he/she was gone. 

The Crew and I quickly repaired to the command center to read the letters.  This is the first one:

“Dear Karl,
 I don’t know why I’m writing you.  This seems silly.  The doctors are totally over-reacting to my little ‘episode’.  I mean everybody needs to blow off steam once in a while right?  Running naked though the West Wing screaming, “Spiders!  Spiders are eating my brain!” was just my way of blowing off steam.  And I really wasn’t going to impale Joe Biden on that fireplace poker.  I was just messing with him.  Nobody can take a joke around here.

 So I guess writing you is supposed to be a more ‘reasonable’ way to deal with my frustrations.  They told me to write a letter to my biggest hero and most influential person in my life.  You were my first and only choice.  So Karl, help me out here.  Everyone’s against me.  Moochelle (she almost caught me calling her that) has been on a spending spree that would make Paris Hilton jealous, Reggie abandoned me, the republicans are catching on to my tricks, and I think my new Mao Zedong tat is infected.  I can’t put any weight on my left cheek at all.  Everyone around me is bummed too.  Even my best buddy, Mr. Teleprompter, is off his game.  Last week in my state of the union address, he just kept repeating the same exact lines from his…  I mean my old speeches.  And the worst thing… no one in my entire administration can think of a  single new euphemism for taxes.  We’ve used them all up.  Darn that vast right-wing conspiracy for trying to wake the chumps… I mean people, up.

 You know what Karl?  I think the doctors were right.  I do feel better!  I’m sure it has nothing to do with that shot they gave me about 20 minutes ago.  They told me it was just a B12 booster for energy.  Oh well, I better go. Stanley, my pet unicorn, just came into my bedroom.  It’s time for our ride on the South Lawn.
 I’ll write you again soon!

Your friend,
Barry”

After reading the letter, The Crew and I went outside to where we had seen the shadowy figure to look for clues as to his/her identity.  The leaves and brush were disturbed where the figure had been standing, but we saw nothing else.  As we were walking away, The Crew exclaimed, “Hey!  What’s that?”  He picked up what looked like piece of scrap paper.  On closer inspection we discovered it was a receipt:

Agent Provocateur

133 Mercer St.

New York, NY 10012

$47,356.78

Hmmmmm….

*Editor's note:  Another great idea brought to you by SACSTW creative consultant Brian Holyfield - @Holyfield67