WTH is a Fetty Wap?

The bard of the 21st Century, Mr. Wap.

Earlier this week, this was a question that I posed to The Crew. The local sports and news stations in Kansas City were going orgasmic over a reported Fetty Wap sighting at the Tuesday night Royals' game. So I phoned The Learned Crew (my source for all things hip) and asked, "What the hell is a Feddy Wop?" He said that he wasn't sure but he believed that Feddy Wop was a who and not what.  I told him that from all the hysteria I thought perhaps Elvis had returned from the dead or that the Queen of England was travelling under an alias.

He said, "I'm on it!"  A few minutes later he called back and explained that in fact yes,  Feddy Wop is a who and not a what and that the proper spelling was FETTY WAP.  Mr. Wap is apparently a new musical artist of some renown and is very popular with some of the Royals players.  His big hit is a little ditty titled "Trap Queen".  The Crew further informed me that he had viewed the video for Trap Queen and that he needed to get off the phone and shower as a result.  Before he clicked off he said, "You have to watch it."  So when I got home from work, I sat down at my computer to review "Trap Queen".  Here are my thoughts.   (Having grown up trying to decipher Mick Jagger's lyrics, I went split screen with the Trap Queen lyrics as I was watched.)

This man is truly the bard of his generation and I was viewing his magnum opus.  I believe I was listening to the Handel's Messiah of the 21st century. For those of you who haven't seen the video, I think I gleaned a few things:

• Fetty (to his friends) makes a fantastic living as a baker.  He multiple times refers to making pies with his baby and having a sack to roll.  I am inferring that he means a sack of flour to roll into pie dough.
• He likes money.
• He likes his stripper girlfriend
• The pie baking business is dangerous because he surrounds himself with a number of very large and scary looking individuals.

It was a very uplifting and inspiring song.  So much so, that I felt compelled to up my street cred by taking Sahib Jr. to see "Straight Outta Compton" last night.  I feel my pants sagging off my butt as I type.

Have a wonderful Friday and a safe weekend everyone.  And PEACE OUT!

Happy Birthday.....To Us!

August of 2011 was dark and full of terrors.  With the 2012 Presidential campaign in full swing, the spectre of a second Obama term was looming over all of us.  I pitched the idea of a political commentary blog to Sahib, and SACSTW was born... four years ago today.

At first I thought we would occupy ourselves primarily with the election, but it didn't take long for SACSTW to careen off in another direction.  After all, there are any number of outlets where you can hear the latest banal politital analysis if you so choose.  But let's be honest...there aren't too many that cover the craziness of our world like SACSTW.

The first few weeks we were a little cautious, feeling our way through the blogosphere like the rank amateurs we were. That all changed on September 26, 2011 with the publication of Sahib's classic "Raising a Nation of Mush-Brained Wusses".  That post blazed a trail for the snark, sarcasm, and satire that is SACSTW's trademark.  Soon after, a little thing called Occupy Wall Street happened, and our cup was overflowing.

No one escapes the arrows of SACSTW, we will skewer anyone who.....

Breaking News-Breaking News-Breaking News

SACSTW interrupts this maudlin, self-congratulatory pablum to bring you late breaking news and definitive evidence that the devolution of Homo sapiens is nearly complete. South Carolina authorities have charged 55 year old David Hoyt with shoplifting $75 in steaks from a Food Lion store in Spartanburg County.  Seems hum drum you say?  What is interesting about another shoplifter?  Dear readers, let me assure you Mr. Hoyt is no ordinary shoplifter.  Upon questioning, Hoyt's girlfriend confirmed that the scalawag had stolen the steaks by....hiding them in his colostomy

Not Sahib

bag. 

And so it has come to this.  After 4 years, 390 posts, and with readers in over 100 countries, I find myself without words.  All because of David Hoyt and his colostomy bag of purloined protein.  

I'll just close with this.  Sahib and I have been writing partners for 4 years, and friends for almost 10 20 30, for crying out loud it has been damn near 40 years!  Happy 4th Birthday buddy!

Editor's Note- that is the colostomy bag guy, not Sahib.  

SACSTW Turns One Today!

One year ago today, Sahib and I crept timidly into the big, bad blogosphere.  We didn't know what to expect....I thought maybe we would run out of things to write about in a month or so.  Perhaps no one would read the blog, and it would just be something for Sahib and I to chuckle about.

As it turns out, we were wrong on both counts.  Today is the 261st post on SACSTW, thanks in large part to the perpetual inanity of the left.  Barack Obama, Harry Reid, and Nancy Pelosi keep teeing it up, and we just keep whacking it out of the park!  SACSTW has been read in 90 countries across the globe in the last year, and receives thousands of views each month.  I'd like to thank each and every reader who has visited SACSTW, and express our appreciation to great folks like Blazing Cat Fur and George Jarkesy who have helped SACSTW grow.

Although we are thrilled with how far SACSTW has come in one year, we are looking to get bigger and better in year 2.  To do that, we need your help.  If you read something you enjoy here, share it with your friends and family.  The easiest way to do that is via the Facebook share button at the bottom of each post.  Like us on Facebook, and you will get each new SACSTW post delivered right to your timeline.

 Know somebody you think would like what we do here?  Email them your favorite posts!  Heck, if you know someone who would hate what we do here, email them your favorite posts!  Please don't be shy about leaving comments on posts as well, even if you disagree with us!  We don't censor comments, and all opinions are welcome here at SACSTW.

Finally I want to say thanks to Sahib, my blogging partner and more importantly my best friend for over 30 years.  You are the smartest, funniest writer I know, and I can't wait to see what year 2 brings!

Could this be the oft-mentioned secret Ozark command center of SACSTW?

PLEASE! Save the Children! Buy a Wombinator!

Thudguard Brainbucket I

Raising Mush-Brained Wusses: Redux

The world is a big scary place!  Children should be protected from all environmental hazards as well as from themselves.  

We thought there was a company out there that realizes that 42 point harness safety seats, outlet covers, child gates, corner bumpers, drawer locks, cabinet locks, oven locks, and refrigerator locks are NOT enough to keep our cherubic spawn safe.

We thought we had a savior. Paladin of child safety, Thudguard (yes, Thudguard), now brings us the Thudguard Baby Protective Safety Helmet.

But when we read the reviews for the Brainbucket I, our hopes were dashed.  This was what we learned (actual review from Amazon):

"Unfortunately, this helmet only protects the top and sides of the head. The face isn't properly shielded. We've tried incorporating a visor made of high-impact polycarbonate (available for industrial workers in various sizes) but the straps of the visor interfere with the helmet itself. Swim goggles are easier to incorporate, but leave the nose and mouth exposed. (The smallest-size motorcycle helmets are still too large and too heavy. We've tried them.) The rest of the child's body is also a problem. I know this helmet isn't trying to address this, but it's worth noting that this is only one part of a full protection approach. Our system of pillows, towels and duct tape works pretty well, but is too warm in hot weather. I'd love to see a full-body suit that breathes."

The Crew and I immediately understood the issues that the reviewer raised.  Who knows when your little darling might crawl across the plate at a major league baseball game just as the pitcher is ready to uncork a 95 MPH fastball?  Or maybe one of your older children brings home the new Ebola virus strain they developed in biology class and accidentally drops the Petri dish in your baby's crib.   Let not your hearts be troubled dear readers!  SACSTW engineers are on the job.

Sahib and The Crew are proud to announce the SACSTW Wombinator I.  The Wombinator I is a bullet-proof, air-tight, Lucite box.  The Wombinator I is aerodynamically designed to withstand a Category 3 hurricane or an F4 tornado.  It's amphibious too!  The box is mounted on ultra-slow-moving tank tracks similar to those used to move the space shuttle to the launch pad.  On top of the box is a state-of-the-art, CDC approved, Level 5 Bio-hazard air-filtration system.  But WAIT, you might say... "what if my little angel rams his fragile noggin against the sides of the box? My infant might be capable of generating crawling speeds up to 1 MPH in the box." The SACSTW R&D department is way ahead of you.  The air-handling system also provides a pressurized buffer of air to prevent your child from contacting the sides of the box thus eliminating the possibility of nasty head-on collisions.  The pressurized buffer also acts as the steering mechanism.  As your infant contacts the buffer, the box moves in that direction.  Below is a picture of the Wombinator I. 

 SACSTW Wombinator I

And soon to be released by SACSTW Labs, the Wombinator Mark V Family edition.  Built to accommodate a family of six, the Wombinator Mark V will come with 30 mm cannon gun mounts** and optional radiation blast shielding.

For those of you who don't really LOVE your children, I guess you could go with the Thudguard products.  In addition to the Brainbucket I for you avant-garde interior decorators out there who have broken glass floor coverings, Thudguard also offers baby knee pads.

The important thing for all parents to remember is that we need to teach our children that they are NOT responsible for their own bad decisions.  Their problems and failures are ALWAYS someone else's fault.

Have a great weekend everyone!

** 30 mm cannons sold separately.  Purchase requests should be submitted to Eric Holder at the Department of Justice.  Make sure the shipping address is labeled "in care of" the Cali cartel.

White Heterosexual American Males Only: Join Today!

The forefathers of WHAMO!

Because starting your own political movement seems to be all the rage, The Crew and I have decided to start our own. (Religion-wise, it made L. Ron a ton of dough)  At first, we considered taking a page from macho-conservative stalwarts Spanky and Alfalfa.and starting the He-Man Woman Haters movement, but that didn't seem inclusive enough for us.

So today, Sahib and The Crew proclaim March 13, 2012 as "Founders Day" for the White Heterosexual American Males Only movement, or WHAMO!  We have all sorts of fund-raisers and activities in the planning stages, but today we are sending a call for assistance out to all SACSTW readers.  We need one of our more artistically inclined readers to design a WHAMO! logo.  The best entry wins..... A WHAMO! t-shirt!  And of course the eternal gratitude of Sahib and The Crew, total credit for the logo, and a free lifetime subscription to SACSTW (what? it's already free?)  OK, a free t-shirt, all the credit , AND the eternal gratitude of Sahib and Crew. PLUS an autographed picture of the WHAMO! founders.  I know, you all are at a loss for words at the magnitude of our largess.  Entries can be submitted via email at:  sacstw@gmail.com

With that business out of the way, we now extend an invitation for all SACSTW readers to join WHAMO!  Simply post a comment below with the name, Twitter handle, or any other way you would like to be entered on the WHAMO! member rolls.

(huh? platform? we have to have a platform?)  The Crew has dutifully informed me that we have to have a platform before anyone would want to join.  I kind of thought the name, White Heterosexual American Males Only, was self-explanatory, but here goes:

• We are fed up with people demanding special treatment
• We don't care about your skin color, gender, who you sleep with, or who you pray to (or don't pray to).  Please just get out of our faces about it.
• We are sorry that our ancestors may have done bad stuff to your ancestors.  We didn't do it and it didn't happen to you.  Get over it.
• We believe in Americans.  If you insist on calling yourself an anything-American, you may not join.
• If we say something unkind, mean, or down-right nasty about your family, you have the right to be offended.  Anything else?  Toughen up pansy!
• If you are a liberal and find the name of our movement incongruous with our platform, ask a conservative friend to explain irony to you.

I hope that clearly defines the philosophies of WHAMO!  JOIN TODAY!  Invite your friends and neighbors as well.  We will post the winning logo as soon as we pick one from the thousands of entries I'm sure will be soon pouring in.