PLEASE! Save the Children! Buy a Wombinator!

Thudguard Brainbucket I

Raising Mush-Brained Wusses: Redux

The world is a big scary place!  Children should be protected from all environmental hazards as well as from themselves.  

We thought there was a company out there that realizes that 42 point harness safety seats, outlet covers, child gates, corner bumpers, drawer locks, cabinet locks, oven locks, and refrigerator locks are NOT enough to keep our cherubic spawn safe.

We thought we had a savior. Paladin of child safety, Thudguard (yes, Thudguard), now brings us the Thudguard Baby Protective Safety Helmet.

But when we read the reviews for the Brainbucket I, our hopes were dashed.  This was what we learned (actual review from Amazon):

"Unfortunately, this helmet only protects the top and sides of the head. The face isn't properly shielded. We've tried incorporating a visor made of high-impact polycarbonate (available for industrial workers in various sizes) but the straps of the visor interfere with the helmet itself. Swim goggles are easier to incorporate, but leave the nose and mouth exposed. (The smallest-size motorcycle helmets are still too large and too heavy. We've tried them.) The rest of the child's body is also a problem. I know this helmet isn't trying to address this, but it's worth noting that this is only one part of a full protection approach. Our system of pillows, towels and duct tape works pretty well, but is too warm in hot weather. I'd love to see a full-body suit that breathes."

The Crew and I immediately understood the issues that the reviewer raised.  Who knows when your little darling might crawl across the plate at a major league baseball game just as the pitcher is ready to uncork a 95 MPH fastball?  Or maybe one of your older children brings home the new Ebola virus strain they developed in biology class and accidentally drops the Petri dish in your baby's crib.   Let not your hearts be troubled dear readers!  SACSTW engineers are on the job.

Sahib and The Crew are proud to announce the SACSTW Wombinator I.  The Wombinator I is a bullet-proof, air-tight, Lucite box.  The Wombinator I is aerodynamically designed to withstand a Category 3 hurricane or an F4 tornado.  It's amphibious too!  The box is mounted on ultra-slow-moving tank tracks similar to those used to move the space shuttle to the launch pad.  On top of the box is a state-of-the-art, CDC approved, Level 5 Bio-hazard air-filtration system.  But WAIT, you might say... "what if my little angel rams his fragile noggin against the sides of the box? My infant might be capable of generating crawling speeds up to 1 MPH in the box." The SACSTW R&D department is way ahead of you.  The air-handling system also provides a pressurized buffer of air to prevent your child from contacting the sides of the box thus eliminating the possibility of nasty head-on collisions.  The pressurized buffer also acts as the steering mechanism.  As your infant contacts the buffer, the box moves in that direction.  Below is a picture of the Wombinator I. 

 SACSTW Wombinator I

And soon to be released by SACSTW Labs, the Wombinator Mark V Family edition.  Built to accommodate a family of six, the Wombinator Mark V will come with 30 mm cannon gun mounts** and optional radiation blast shielding.

For those of you who don't really LOVE your children, I guess you could go with the Thudguard products.  In addition to the Brainbucket I for you avant-garde interior decorators out there who have broken glass floor coverings, Thudguard also offers baby knee pads.

The important thing for all parents to remember is that we need to teach our children that they are NOT responsible for their own bad decisions.  Their problems and failures are ALWAYS someone else's fault.

Have a great weekend everyone!

** 30 mm cannons sold separately.  Purchase requests should be submitted to Eric Holder at the Department of Justice.  Make sure the shipping address is labeled "in care of" the Cali cartel.

Occupy Ohio Protesters: Take Cover!

PRESS RELEASE - Dateline:  Zanesville, Ohio
Warning to all Occupy Ohio (or OOPs) protesters!  Take cover immediately!  Police in Zanesville, Ohio have been ordered to "shoot to kill" dozens of escaped wild animals.  With tensions running high, the following images demonstrate the difficulty Zaneville police will face:

Which is is which?  I have difficulty telling myself.




There are a couple of tips that might help the police. Muskingum county Sheriff Matt Lutz described the escaped animals as "mature, very big and aggressive." Rarely, have Occupato Mafia protesters been described as "mature". It has also been reported that the personal hygiene of the escaped animals is "far superior" to that of your average OWS protester. 

Regardless, Occupy Ohio protesters are in grave danger. Please take cover immediately!

 (Who says conservatives aren't compassionate?)

Raising a Nation of Mush-brained Wusses

Now don’t get me wrong… When my first son was born, my wife and I went a little overboard with the whole baby safety thing. We watered down the Jack Daniels in his bottle, only loaded the Smith and Wesson 357 in his crib with blanks, and made sure that he only smoked low-tar cigarettes. But as a nation, we are really taking things too far in protecting our little mush-brained darlings from themselves.

Case in point is the recently expanded recall of the Little Tykes Toy Workshop, Trucks, and Tool sets. The 2009 recall has been expanded from 1.6 million units to over 3.3 million units. When I first saw the headline I wondered, what could possibly be the problem? Were they radioactive? Did they spontaneously burst into flames? Did they shoot razor sharp spinning disks of death? No. Apparently, the 3 ¼ inch by 1 ¼ inch plastic nails present a choking hazard. Hmmmmmm….. Well, I guess if thousands of little bubble-wrapped mush-brains are dying from jamming them down their gullets maybe something should be done. I read further…. There have been two reporting incidents where both children were treated and made full recoveries. Two. Out of 3.3 million. That is a whopping .00000006 percent! WOW! As a parent, I feel my boys are so much safer.


Everyone raise their hand… Who out there didn’t learn the hard way that sticking a screwdriver in an outlet has some unpleasant side-effects? Didn’t do it again did you? (If you did, I can only assume that you voted for Bill Clinton twice but I digress.) Firecrackers in Coke bottles, homemade flamethrowers from cans of Raid, sledding while holding on to car bumpers, and bike ramps built at a 45 degree angle, from particle board, at the bottom of a steep hill. These were all invaluable teaching moments growing up. It taught us that bad decisions have consequences. Did we blame the particle board for splitting and launching us 15 feet straight up in the air? Did our parents sue the particle board manufacturer for making a defective product and not properly labeling the particle board with warnings about not using particle board for 45 degree bike ramps located at the bottom of steep hills? NO! Our moms shoved the protruding bones back into our arms and proceeded to beat us with the remaining particle board fragments all the way home.

No one wants to see their children harmed. But as parents, and by extension a nation, we do our children more harm than good by not allowing them to experience the consequences of their stupid decisions. We prefer to hermetically seal them in bubble wrap and 42 point harness them into safety seats until they are 40.

When, instead of overprotecting our children, blaming others for their mistakes, and rationalizing their poor behavior, are we as parents going to start teaching them personal responsibility? Maybe right after we start taking responsibility for our own actions. I’ll start holding my breath.