You Cry Harder! North Korean Grief Reeducation

SACSTW reporters have the latest scoop on our zany buddies from the east, North Korea.  North Koreans just aren't sad enough!  The North Koreans are such a happy-go-lucky group of people it is easy to imagine that they would have difficulty being somber.  I mean they lead such easy lives of leisure and plenty. Fortunately, their latest and greatest Dear Leader has implemented a new system to assist them with proper levels of grieving. 

Lachrymosity Level Enforcement Department

After numerous "criticism" sessions, it was decided that the fun-loving North Korean people really didn't know how to properly grieve.  Thus, many of them received personal invitations to grieving reeducation camps.  I mean look at these pictures... These people make jocularity a national pastime.

Kim Jong Il official concubines

(There wasn't this much sobbing over the deaths of JFK, MLK, Elvis, and Princess Diana combined!)

Grieving is a family activity in North Korea

After much deliberation, a new system has been implemented:  The national Lachrymosity Level system of national mourning.  To show the world that they are hip to new technology, the Lachrymosity Level system will use a series of emoticons to inform North Korean citizens of their proper level of misery.  Below is the Lachrymosity Level (LL) matrix:

Lachrymosity Level	Emoticon	National Conditions	Expected Behavior
Orgasmic		Kim Jong Un celebrates a birthday, is cast as Odd Job in the “Goldfinger” remake, or has a successful bowel movement.	Uncontrollable joyous weeping, writhing on the ground, and rending of clothing.
Melancholy		Kim Jong Un is not mistaken as a beluga whale by Japanese trawlers while swimming.	Public expressions of mirth are expressly prohibited.  Wistful smiles are allowed if meditating on the wonders of the Dear Leader.
Catatonic		Default national Lachrymosity Level	Feet must be shuffled and eyes must be downcast.  Muffled sobbing is encouraged.
Lugubrious		Kim Jong Un has a hangnail, dies, or Obama loses the 2012 election.	Uncontrollable screaming, wailing, and rending of clothing.  Every third citizen must commit seppuku.

Invitees of the grieving reeducation camps will receive LL emoticon flash-cards along with their copies of "North Korean Golf for Dummies - How to Score 38 under in your first round ever!" by Kim Jung Il.  All other citizens will receive their LL emoticon flash-cards with their monthly bowls of gruel ration cards.  On notification of the the nation's LL condition, all citizens are required to pin the appropriate LL flash-card to their outer-clothing.

Lachrymosity Level Notification System

Dear Leader Obama is reported to be considering a similar system for media reporting of his daily poll numbers.  Media outlets in the People's Republic of San Francisco have volunteered to be the initial test market.  

SACSTW reporters will keep you updated on the latest situations in both North Korea and San Francisco.

*Editor's note:  The idea for today's post was brought to you by SACSTW creative consultant and crew member emeritus Brian Holyfield - @Holyfield67

San Fran Judge: US Flag Equivalent to Confederate Flag

OK

Not OK

According to Chief U.S. District Judge James Ware in the People’s Republic of San Francisco, wearing an American flag in an AMERICAN high school is racially incendiary and thus is not protected by the first amendment.

For those of you not familiar with the story, several “Anglo” students wore shirts with American flags on them on Cinco de Mayo.  They were threatened with suspension and sent home when they refused to change.  This was supposedly to protect them from the “Mexican-American” students.  (The use of Anglo and Mexican-American qualifiers was the judge’s, not mine.) Here is a link to the original story on Fox News.  My favorite quote from the original story was this doozy,  “Freshman Laura Ponce, who had a Mexican flag painted on her face and chest, told the Morgan Hill Times that Cinco de Mayo is the ‘only day’ Mexican-American students can show their national pride.”   I would respectfully suggest to Miss Ponce, that as a “Mexican-American”, you would show your “national pride” by painting an American flag on your face and chest.

Back to what is sure to be a hallmark of jurisprudence, Judge Ware’s decision…

As reported by the San Francisco Chronicle, the lawsuit filed by the students “accused school officials of violating the standard that the Supreme Court set in 1969 when it upheld students' right to wear black armbands to class, in a silent protest against the Vietnam War, and said schools can suppress student expression only when it threatens to disrupt the educational process.”  But Judge Ware had a response; he said “post-1969 rulings by federal courts have deferred to school officials' conclusions that certain types of student expression could endanger the speakers - for example, decisions by three appellate courts upholding bans on the Confederate flag in schools with histories of racial tension.”  So according to Judge Ware, wearing an American flag in the People’s Republic of California is as racially incendiary as wearing a Confederate flag in the south.

After reading this, I thought that surely this high school must be located in an East LA barrio.  Maybe school officials made the correct decision. I did some quick research on this “racially charged” high school and community.

Here is the information I found.  I’ll let you decide if this high school is located in East LA.

Live Oak High School Sports (not a complete listing):

• Cross Country
• Football
• Basketball
• Field Hockey
• Golf
• Tennis
• Volleyball
• Water polo
• Badminton
• Rugby

Morgan Hill, California demographic information:

• Population – 38,547
• Median household income - $95,968 ($37,000 above the state average)
• Median house or condo value:  $647,883 ($265,000 above the state average)
• Mean price for free-standing homes:  $835,769

Wow!  With the pressure of running from water polo practice to your next badminton match, how did poor little Laura Ponce find the energy to paint her face and chest?  Her hair stylist must have done it for her.

So, the moral of the story devoted readers is this:  Your first amendment rights will be upheld as long as you are a threat to trample the first amendment rights of others.  If you are a peaceful, patriotic, law-abiding student, you have no first amendment rights, because the people you might offend might be violent.